I have been carrying around Geneen Roth’s, Women Food And God, for months now, hopeful each day will provide a few stolen moments… Actually, my life lends itself, daily, to a number of mini barren blocks of time. How I deplete those minutes varies, but most recently I have exhausted them through word wars with my sister. Word wars in the literal sense, in the form of Facebook’s Scrabble app.
You see, I like to linger over my reading and writing. Sitting with a good book or penning something is to me what a long, luxurious bath is for others. Thus, I find five-minute segments unfulfilling, and, quite frankly, frustrating. But I can only go so long before the desire for stories grabs me like a vice, and I submit to the timeline…
That, my friends, could well be one of Geneen’s messages…another one of the stories I tell myself, due to some ingrained pattern of behavior… On my way out the door to pick up my daughter from the hospital this morning (no alarm…a simple sleep study), I snatched the book from the table and dropped it into my purse. My child needed shampoo and conditioner and I knew I’d have to wait for her to ready herself. These are the wise words I encountered as I read:
At the time I uncovered my husband’s last affair, I felt the best I’d felt in years. I had, for the first time in my adult life, began taking care of myself. I had truthfully challenged a twenty-six-year nicotine addiction, as well as the seventy-five pounds I’d gained since meeting my husband, twenty years earlier. Despite the chaos in my life, I made a conscious choice to proceed with my plans to quit smoking. I had spent the previous three months focusing on portion control and had already lost twenty-four pounds. I was determined to meet my goals. And I did, until late January, when the winter blues coincided with the wearing off of the shock that had cushioned my spirit.
As the weight steadily returned, I did what we all do: I turned to questions to help heal my conflict. Why? When I was doing so well? Why am I reverting to old habits? This is what came to me: “I was overweight and unhappy with myself when he had his first affair. This time, he had gained weight and was unhappy with himself. I was garnering lots of attention; maybe he felt threatened and insecure. Now, I believe that answer to be a reaction that I was able to recognize. What I failed to do, however, was to further the inquiry, as Geneen call’s it. I didn’t sit with that fear, I didn’t look at the color and shape of it. Hence, it didn’t lead me to rejection.
Rejection. I may not know its features, but I do know what an adverse reaction it has on my psyche. As I contemplate Geneen’s message, now, this is what comes to me: I have considered rejection to be something awful. It whispers from the depths of my soul, I am not worthy.
Hmmmm… I will need to sit with rejection for a while and see what other beliefs its characteristics embody, for I do know that I am worthy… I will have to do more inquiry into my beliefs…give it space…internalize that it–rejection–is not the death sentence I seem to act as if it were… Food for thought. Food for my soul…
But for now, I must return to work…
What about you? Are you in touch with your reactions? Your deep-rooted beliefs?