I’ve recently been doing deeper exploration into habits, and how they impact and influence everything in our lives, from the quality of our well-being, to the quality of our work, to the quality of our relationships, our service to the world around us, [insert your whatever], Neighbor.
How many ways can each of us write this piece? If you are breathing, you have habits. If you’re like me, one of those habits might be to remember to breathe–both literally and metaphorically–when I’m tackling something that feels tough.
Let’s look at what first comes to mind when we think about Habits. Drugs or substance habits.
I smoked for twenty-six-and-a-half years. Throughout most of that timeframe, I inhaled and exhaled more than a pack of smokes a day. On stressful days, which significantly encompassed the last fifteen years of my smoking pattern, I blazed through almost three packs a day.
I always include that half year, because it matters. You see, I distinctly recall my doctor telling me that, at the twenty-year mark, we do irreparable damage to our lungs and kill parts of them that won’t recover.
Habits serve a purpose in our lives.
Many times a day, though especially in the morning shower, I hacked and coughed and nearly wretched as my body tried to expel the toxins. If you’ve ever been addicted to anything, you might recognize that my doc’s words only led to me smoking more.
Why? Because it was a coping mechanism. I didn’t fully understand that at the time. Though I was able to bring clarity into reality the day one of my children asked me–some years after I’d “kicked the habit”–if I regretted smoking all those years.
Without hesitation, I was able to tell him that no, I didn’t. If it hadn’t been cigarettes, it would have been something else. Because it was one predominant coping mechanism I had at the time. My poison of choice was nicotene, cigarettes, aka “cancer sticks.”
If not that, maybe it would have been other drugs like cocaine, or maybe I would have amassed mountains of credit card debt and material things that spilled out from every room. Maybe I would have collected a trove of friends, partied every night, or created some other obsession that helped me get through the tortuous minutes of a given day.
That’s not to say that every minute of every day was THAT BAD, but habits show up under the guise of helping us when the tough times land on our doorstep. They become our comfort. Our security blanket. These types of habits feel like trusted “friends,” ones we can readily call on at any minute of any day. Those sorts of relationships require nurturing, dedication, and commitment to them. So we serve them.
One choice. One Step. Repeat. Rinse. Repeat.
Often times, breaking habits, recovery, and choosing healing necessitate making a different choice and taking a different step, many times over.
I’d tried to quit numerous times over the years. Gum. Hypnosis. Cold turkey. Doing it for my kids. For others. Shaming. After Gavin died. I had almost quit during his pregnancy. But what if those one or two a day caused his death? OMG, did I kill my son? I wondered in those earliest years.
At around twenty-five-ish years, my physician mentioned a new drug that was currently in clinical trials and was experiencing promising results. It was too late for me to join the study. Without actually saying it out loud, I told myself that when that drug came onto the market, I would quit.
At every next appointment, I asked Doc about it. When it finally released, I was all in. I bought the prescription, and for the first time in my life, I read every word of the fine print in that tiny little pamphlet. Because I wanted to succeed. I was going to succeed.
I put into place all the suggested steps. I set a quitting date. I put it on my calendar. I bought straws to chew on and to keep my hands occupied. I bought Big Red gum, certain that the chewing and the robust flavor would help with the cravings. I imagined being in the shower and not feeling like I was coughing up my lungs. I shared my plan and excitement with my husband.
When enough is enough. Choosing recovery, healing, possibility, and Me
Roughly a week after I picked up the prescription, I stumbled upon a secret that shattered my life into yet another million little pieces. My spouse had ever so cleverly been hiding his second mistress, for roughly the past six months.
For days, I stared at the little bottle of pills that I had strategically placed on my counter, both a reminder and a reinforcement of the goal I’d set for myself. And I lamented: How can I possibly quit now, when I’m dealing with one of the most stressful times in my life?!?
It was in one of those silent wailing moments that a question welled up from deep within me. You’ve been wanting and planning this for a long time. Are you going to let his actions hold you back? Or are you going to move forward in helping yourself?
I chose to honor Me, my goal, and my dream of recovering my health, to the best of my ability, and to feeling better. I, personally, chose not to keep a daily diary of my cravings, thought obsessions, and other recovery details. As such, I cannot tell you for certain my first official day of being smoke-free, though I did know it was within the week of the birthday of a dear friend’s son. November 16, 2024, marked eighteen years of being what I call “smoke free.”
We are all doing the absolute best we can with what we have, on any given day.
Whether it’s repeating patterns in relationships, using food, shopping, substances, feeling stuck in a mental loop of conflict, or an emotional loop of trauma, you CAN transcend these and move into a life that feels easier, more joyful, and more fulfilling. One healing moment at a time.
Habits are things we do, often without thinking about them, as they’ve become as regular in our life as walking. Most of us don’t have to think about how we walk, we just do it. But it wasn’t always that way! Babies have to be intentional and think about each step before they take it…
Stay tuned for Part 2, which includes three (3) tips for achieving success in recovery, healing, and reclaiming yourself. Coming to a screen near you in two days!
If any of this resonates with you–or if you know someone else who might be seeking to live a more fulfilled life–please share this post.