{"id":379504,"date":"2013-11-08T03:42:00","date_gmt":"2013-11-08T03:42:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/11\/08\/on-etiquette-failure-and-the-well-appointed-woman\/"},"modified":"2013-11-08T03:42:00","modified_gmt":"2013-11-08T03:42:00","slug":"on-etiquette-failure-and-the-well-appointed-woman","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/11\/08\/on-etiquette-failure-and-the-well-appointed-woman\/","title":{"rendered":"On Etiquette, Failure, and The Well-Appointed Woman"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Numerous people have reached out to me, in some way or another, to discuss how someone is causing them angst.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Every single person has expressed frustration and anger and concerns about how to move forward in the relationship.<\/span><\/div>\n

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In the past four months, two of these women have been dealing with anxiety pertaining to their own mothers.<\/span><\/div>\n

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That, my friends, is a quandary of epic proportion.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Each conversation has included some version of, \u201cMy mother won\u2019t quit trying to run my life.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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She is constantly telling me how to clean my house, fold the towels, raise my children, spend my money, what car I should be driving, what brands I should be buying, that I need to lose or gain weight, controlling our time together, and reminding me that I\u2019ve failed\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

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You know that old saying, \u201cMama knows best?\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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Yeah, that one.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Sometimes she does.<\/span><\/div>\n

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And sometimes she only thinks she does\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

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Here\u2019s what I\u2019ve discovered when dealing with my own kids: When I\u2019m angsty about their behaviors, it\u2019s not about them.<\/span><\/div>\n

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It\u2019s about me<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

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What do\/will other people think<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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Last summer, Beauty spent most of her non-working time traveling back and forth to her out-of-town beau\u2019s house, and when I snapped at her about it one day, her older brother piped up, \u201cMama\u2019s jealous<\/i>.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cYou\u2019re absolutely right I\u2019m jealous,\u201d I barked at him, \u201cbecause I want to spend time with her and I want the same opportunity to get to know him that his parents have in getting to know my daughter.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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And though that was the partial truth, here\u2019s the rest of what was running through my head:<\/span><\/div>\n

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Am I not good enough<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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What do they have to offer that I don\u2019t have<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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Their home isn\u2019t any nicer than ours. She hardly ever cooks and I love to wait on people<\/i>\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

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Do my kids hate me<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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Am I losing my kids to someone else<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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Do I embarrass her<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n

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Go ahead, add your own tortuous thoughts.<\/span><\/div>\n

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I felt like a failure.<\/span><\/div>\n

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And, honestly, I think I can trace every ounce of conflict I\u2019ve experienced with regard to my children around that fear. <\/span><\/div>\n

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I was recently sharing with a gal who reached out the It\u2019s not personal<\/span><\/a><\/i> philosophy, and though I could tell that she understood the concept academically, she wasn\u2019t quite grasping it emotionally.<\/span><\/div>\n

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She described her mother as maniacally organized.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Every object has its place. Every seam needs pressing. Every surface gets the white glove treatment.<\/span><\/div>\n

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When Mother comes to visit, Daughter stresses for days about making sure everything is put up, put away, and still, when Mama comes, this grown woman feels as if she\u2019s been put in her rightful place of wrongness.<\/span><\/div>\n

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Daughter seems equally tormented that she doesn\u2019t measure up to Mama\u2019s standards, disheartened that the matriarch won\u2019t spend the night at her house, and thankful that visitations are short and sweet.<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cWho the f— cares if the towels are folded length ways or width ways?\u201d she lamented to me.<\/span><\/div>\n

\u201cOkay,\u201d I said, \u201cit sounds to me like your mother is a classic, die-hard Emily Post type of person.\u201d<\/span>
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<\/a><\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cYes, she is!\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cSo, here\u2019s the thing, she\u2019s not upset with you, she\u2019s upset with herself.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cHow do you figure,\u201d Daughter asked.<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cAs far as your mother is concerned, all those rules and responsibilities define what it means to be a proper woman. If she doesn\u2019t do those things just right, then she\u2019s failed. Right?\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

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\u201cYes, but she does all of those things, so what\u2019s that got to do with me?\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhen you don\u2019t fold your towel the way she thinks it has<\/i> to be done, the right way<\/i>, then she ultimately feels like she failed at her job of teaching you how to do it. Her frustration comes from a sense of her own failure.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

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As someone who\u2019s a classic repeater\u2014saying the same things over and over\u2014I\u2019m all too familiar with one of the reasons we keep harping on something: because we feel like our thoughts and feelings aren\u2019t being heard or understood or validated.<\/span><\/div>\n

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One of the best parts of the work I do is seeing people smile when they resolve some tiny piece of internal conflict.<\/span><\/div>\n

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\u201cI never thought about it like that,\u201d she said.<\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/span><\/p>\n

The two have been butting heads because each of them feels inadequate, yet neither has recognized the sense of insecurity.<\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/span><\/p>\n

This is a strategy I offered her: Let Mama know how much you appreciate everything she taught you, how well she prepared you to be independent and responsible, not only for yourself, but for your own children. And when the conversational door opens, let her know that certain things, like where to place a linen seam, just aren\u2019t important to you.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

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What we all need is to feel that we haven\u2019t failed and that we are appreciated.<\/span><\/div>\n

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It\u2019s important to note that Mama might have to hear this same sentiment over and over, as it takes time and practice to develop new behaviors and new ways of looking at something.<\/span><\/div>\n

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It\u2019s also vital that we realize we aren\u2019t in control of whether or not this other person will choose to shift her thinking.<\/span><\/div>\n

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If she doesn\u2019t?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Please, please, please<\/i>, remember: It\u2019s not about <\/i>you.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s become one of my mantras, a cue to turn off the negative chatter in my head.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

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And then, there\u2019s always this: If it appears that Mama isn\u2019t going to change, then invite her over to hang out in your linen closet.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Be sure to let her know how much you\u2019re looking forward to sitting down to catch up after she\u2019s done making herself feel right at home.<\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/span><\/div>\n

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And by all means, DON\u2019T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT LETTING YOUR MAMA DO SOMETHING THAT MAKES HER HAPPY!<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When you go to grab a towel the next morning, admire the organized neatness for a moment, smile, and remember all the reasons you love her so much\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/span>Certainly, that\u2019s what Emily Post, a mastress<\/i> at modifying the codes of social engagement to meet the demands of changing cultures, would do…<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
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<\/a><\/div>\n
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Post\u2019s 21st<\/sup> Century modus operandi<\/i> might just look something like this: Every home has an outward appearance that says <\/i>People reside here and an interior continually to be seasoned with love and incessantly to have that lived in look. For those that dwell within it, there are meals to be prepared and served (sometimes culled from the leftovers and eaten on paper plates in front of the television), laundry to be washed and dried and sometimes piled next to the sofa\u2019s occupants, family pets to brush up against you, funny bones to be tickled, and perhaps children to be rocked and read to<\/i>. When the doorbell rings, put down the broom, pull up a rug, give your guest your undivided attention and visit for a spell<\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are things a well-appointed woman believes in\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Numerous people have reached out to me, in some way or another, to discuss how someone is causing them angst. Every single person has expressed frustration and anger and concerns about how to move forward in the relationship. In the past four months, two of these women have been dealing with anxiety pertaining to their […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3807,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[1172,1173,283,1174,1175,806,223,1176],"class_list":["post-379504","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-emily-post","tag-etiquette","tag-failure","tag-its-not-personal","tag-modern-women","tag-mothers","tag-relationships","tag-the-well-appointed-woman"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/11\/Etiquette.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379504","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379504"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379504\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3807"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379504"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379504"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379504"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}