{"id":379510,"date":"2013-10-18T01:39:00","date_gmt":"2013-10-18T01:39:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/10\/18\/its-not-personal\/"},"modified":"2013-10-18T01:39:00","modified_gmt":"2013-10-18T01:39:00","slug":"its-not-personal","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/10\/18\/its-not-personal\/","title":{"rendered":"It’s Not Personal"},"content":{"rendered":"
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I absolutely love the late Patrick Swayze.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Gentleman. Genuine. Gorgeous. What\u2019s not to love, right?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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I don\u2019t know about you, but I\u2019ll always remember this talented man who left this life way too early.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Though there are many lines and scenes he lived out on the big screen, one that I frequently recall is the Roadhouse<\/i> dialogue: \u201cIt\u2019s nothing personal.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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\u201cBeing called a cocksucker isn\u2019t personal?\u201d the bar\u2019s muscle-bound-macho bouncer retorts.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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\u201cNo, it\u2019s two nouns combined to elicit a prescribed response,\u201d Swayze\u2019s character, Dalton, replies.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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\u201cWhat if somebody calls my mama a whore?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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\u201cIs she?\u201d the establishment\u2019s new Cooler<\/i>replies without missing a beat.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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If it\u2019s true, then you shouldn\u2019t be bothered by it, and well, if she isn\u2019t, then why waste your energy on something so trivial?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Is she?<\/span><\/i><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Working with elementary-aged students, I see and hear these sorts of conflicts every day.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Heck, just being Human, I see and hear these sorts of conflicts, even among adults, nearly every day.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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There are people, young and old, who feel they must always be first.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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There are people who believe that their way is the only way, that they are always right.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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You know the type. She is the person who not only lies, she believes her untruths and she is a master at manipulating situations and people to get her way.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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In all ages and all walks of life there are insecure people who act like bullies and then there are those who have retreated into themselves, staying as far away from the spotlight as possible.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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There are those who rail against aggression with anger or by pushing back, and those who believe the insults to be true and beat themselves up even more, and then there are those who simply shrink away.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Growing up, most anyone born before the Babyboomer age was taught this little ditty, \u201cSticks and stones may break your bones, but words can\u2019t hurt you.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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As we now know, this is so untrue<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Words can be hurtful, especially when we are feeling vulnerable.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And sometimes it\u2019s not just mean-spirited individuals who arouse hurt, sometimes we feel conflict or angst even in the presence of Angels and Best Friends and Loved Ones who we know aren\u2019t acting with malice.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I have always been sensitive to intent and action<\/span><\/a>, whether it be an deed of goodness\u2026or well, not so kind\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And I\u2019ve spent most of my years taking the actions and the words of others personally<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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All that began to change seven years ago, when I realized that my husband\u2019s two affairs had absolutely nothing to do with me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I knew immediately, and I do mean the second he admitted to this second breach of vow, that the infidelity wasn\u2019t about Me<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It wasn\u2019t about my height or hair color or age or weight.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It wasn\u2019t about my big laugh or dry sense of humor or the fact that I don\u2019t get the joke until tomorrow.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It wasn\u2019t about the flamboyant way I tell a story or about the fact that I rely on him to help me remember the details of events.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And it wasn\u2019t about my diligence<\/i> in trying to maintain some form of organized chaos or any of my emotions that sit right on the surface of my existence.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It was about Him<\/span><\/i> and his insecurities and his demons.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And though there was absolutely nothing easy about the grieving process (believe you me), that realization did open up the proverbial door to healing.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The hardest part of that recovery has been in integrating my emotional and spiritual facets with the academic.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I subconsciously wove His Stuff into Mine.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And often times I accepted the conscious dysfunction as truth by letting the taking-it-personal mentality<\/i> blip by without addressing or challenging the thoughts.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Those fleeting beliefs like, Maybe my weight loss and the attention I was getting from other men made him feel insecure, <\/i>were self-sabotaging and fed the life blood that was my suffering.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Without knowing it, I was blaming his adultery on something I did<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I couldn\u2019t for the life of me figure out why that conflict was so pervasive, until my therapist and I stumbled upon the damsel syndrome<\/span><\/a>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And here\u2019s what I\u2019ve discovered about why and when we make things personal: Any internal conflict (questioning or shame or guilt or doubt) about a particular subject sits within us like an exposed jugular<\/b>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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When someone touches that delicate vein, it is often like they are doing so with a sharp edge.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I have struggled with body image for as long as I can remember, have battled bulimia and repeated weight gains and weight losses.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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As hard as I\u2019ve been working to feel comfortable in my skin, I still harbor an insecurity that tells me I don\u2019t fit a particular image.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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I recently did my first Google Hangout session, a sort of commercial for the upcoming radio show on Healing through the Holidays<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Between a slow satellite internet that pixilated and distorted my image and the fact that I had the computer in my lap, I looked like a cross between a Biggest Loser<\/i> contestant and that undead guy on the new Sprint commercials.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Note: when a lens is close and looking up<\/i> at you, it blows you up!<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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If I didn\u2019t carry around such weight angst, I might have laughed it off instead of thinking \u201cI am HUGE\u2026God, I have so much more to lose.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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That sort of mentality is the one that says, You\u2019re not good enough<\/i> or What you\u2019ve been doing still isn\u2019t good enough<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Any outsider comment about body size highlights my discomfort, even when the message isn\u2019t about me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Swayze\u2019s character would respond to my angst by asking, \u201cWell, are you? Fat<\/i>?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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That matter-of-fact question puts us right square in the middle of where we are all the time, often without realizing we\u2019re there: In control of our own life.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It removes the other person from the picture.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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If Hot-headed Bouncer Steve had ever experienced shame or guilt or embarrassment with regard to his mother, then the name calling would incite fury and\/or a fight, not because he wanted to protect his Mama\u2019s reputation, but simply because it bared his own fears.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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When someone called him a cocksucker<\/i> or his mother a whore<\/i>, what he felt were razor-sharp knives of \u201cWe are flawed\/damaged\/not good enough.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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We might whisper those same things to ourselves one-hundred times a day, but who in their right freaking mind wants to hear it from someone else?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It\u2019s that old, \u201cI can say something about myself or my family\/friend, but don\u2019t you even think about breathing one negative word about them!<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The bottom line is this: We are experiencing some sort of pain and we either aren\u2019t tapped into it or, if we do acknowledge that it makes us feel icky or unloved and devalued, we don\u2019t have a clue yet how to get out from beneath the mountain of suffering, how to reconcile our conflicts\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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It doesn\u2019t matter if we feel a person is deliberately being cruel or inconsiderate or if we believe her actions to be unintentional.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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If we feel slighted, then we are making it personal<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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We need to hone in on whatever makes us uncomfortable, we need to assume Dalton\u2019s persona and ask ourselves the tough question.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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And when we have that initial reply, we need to go deeper by asking more of ourselves.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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For Bouncer Steve, if his reply is, \u201cNo she ain\u2019t no whore!,\u201d then he needs to ask himself, \u201cSo why am I so offended?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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For me, the questions that ensue have been, \u201cWhy: am I overweight\/do I abuse food\/keep repeating the same behaviors that cause me conflict\/do I consider myself to blame?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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That, my friends, is the fourth step of healing: Do the hard work.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Once we no longer feel as if the sharpest blade known to Cutco is pressing into our necks, what we once perceived to be personal<\/i>is no longer threatening and no longer has a negative impact on our lives\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Once we address our internal turmoil, then we are in a position to truly understand that the way another person acts (in negative or positive ways) is a reflection of her own personality and has nothing, and I mean nothing, to do with us.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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<\/a><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Can you identify with a time when you\u2019ve taken something personally and suffered as a result? Did you reconcile the conflict or do you still carry it around like a lead weight?<\/span><\/div>\n

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<\/span><\/div>\n
Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I absolutely love the late Patrick Swayze. Gentleman. Genuine. Gorgeous. What\u2019s not to love, right? I don\u2019t know about you, but I\u2019ll always remember this talented man who left this life way too early. Though there are many lines and scenes he lived out on the big screen, one that I frequently recall is the […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3831,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[34,1174,1184,123,44,1185,933,1186],"class_list":["post-379510","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-its-not-personal","tag-patrick-swayze","tag-personality-trait","tag-resolving-internal-conflict","tag-roadhouse","tag-sensitivity","tag-the-five-steps-of-healing"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/10\/roadhouse.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379510","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379510"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379510\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3831"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379510"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379510"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379510"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}