{"id":379529,"date":"2013-08-22T11:00:00","date_gmt":"2013-08-22T11:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/08\/22\/on-validation-and-self-worth-a-digging-for-the-light-excerpt\/"},"modified":"2013-08-22T11:00:00","modified_gmt":"2013-08-22T11:00:00","slug":"on-validation-and-self-worth-a-digging-for-the-light-excerpt","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/08\/22\/on-validation-and-self-worth-a-digging-for-the-light-excerpt\/","title":{"rendered":"On Validation and Self Worth, a Digging for the Light Excerpt"},"content":{"rendered":"
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Earlier this week I shared with you something that I had previously revealed only to two other people<\/span><\/a>: my therapist and my husband.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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It\u2019s a scary, scary thing to not only admit to our shortcomings, but to put them out there for the entire world to see.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Scary. SCARY. SCARY<\/b><\/span><\/i>!<\/span><\/b><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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What I can tell you, though, is that I feel a bit freer.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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It\u2019s no longer a deep, dark secret that keeps me locked into this holding pattern of Fear.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Fear that people will judge me as Bad.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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And some will.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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But here\u2019s what I believe, Journeyers, it\u2019s at the center of my very heart: we all\u2014you, me, our next door neighbors\u2014deserve the chance to make mistakes and to learn from them<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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To change those behaviors that cause us or others conflict.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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To make amends and to learn and grow and continue on living the absolute best life we can possibly imagine.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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We cannot ever undo the past, but we can have some say in how our futures unfold.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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I have included a quote in each of my two graduating seniors\u2019 high school yearbooks.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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For Fave, who\u2019s now been on a thirteen years-long journey of becoming an Olympian, I included this, one of my many Mama Mantras, \u201cIt\u2019s not where we start in life that matters most, but where we finish.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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His team leader had always used a similar quote with specific regard to the sport, but I felt the message went so much deeper, and changed the wording to reflect its relevance to life.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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To me, that finish line isn\u2019t just about The Places of Mistake or Success, but rather, it\u2019s about our feelings about who we are, where we are on our own life\u2019s journey, and where we ultimately want to be. It\u2019s about our mindset and our movements.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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For Beauty\u2019s sendoff, Eleanor Roosevelt\u2019s words seemed the most fitting: \u201cThe future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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What we believe<\/i> about our self is the toxin that tarnishes our future or the magic that molds us into the best we can possibly be.<\/span><\/div>\n
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I found this sign buried in a Big Lots store last week, just when I needed it\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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I scored the last two of these babies.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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One for me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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And one I tucked in amongst Beauty\u2019s belongings as a little surprise for her college dorm.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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I\u2019ll be fifty this year, Journeyers, and I\u2019m finally looking forward to the future, heading there with my wand held high over my head.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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May my daughter learn the value of these words much earlier in life than her mama did\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Below is an excerpt from my memoir, Digging for the Light<\/i>, relating back to the time when I first realized that I\u2019d spent years looking for the wrong kind of validation in all the right places\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Any and all assistance toward helping me find an agent or publisher for this body of work is greatly appreciated.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Additionally, it will definitely earn you a special spot in my heart and a title in the Kingdom of My Most Magical Friends\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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How about you? Is there something holding you back from achieving anything you want to do? Could you possibly be looking for validation in all the wrong places, too<\/span><\/i>?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

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Hugs and healing, Journeyrs\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/p>\n

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An excerpt from Digging for the Light<\/i><\/span><\/div>\n
Note: The regular font passages are diary quotes included in the memoir<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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My journals reflect something else during this painful time of my life. Mixed in with all the negative emotions were signs of courage and hope with dashes of humor.<\/o:p><\/i><\/div>\n
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At times I clawed, digging for the light:<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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What about my children\u2019s happiness?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Oh God, what will my children do without me?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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What about my<\/u> wedding<\/u> vows<\/u>?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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What about the things that I love\u2026the things that are so rewarding to me?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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While thinking positively, I wrote about teachers\u2019 responses to the school tours I offered at the farm: \u201cYou are wonderful<\/span> with the children!\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I processed my thoughts on paper, trying to disassemble the tangled web of confusion. Writing my thoughts helped to validate them, make them more real.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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People don\u2019t hurt our feelings or make us angry\u2026we let them.<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/div>\n
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I forgive myself\u2026Why have I forgiven myself?\u2014I feel like\u2026like maybe I could fly.<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/div>\n
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Fave said the funniest thing this morning. He wanted to go to Burger King for breakfast. I told him we didn\u2019t have time. He then asked if we could go to Dunkin\u2019 Donuts and said, \u201cIt doesn\u2019t take much time, Mommy, only about five weeks.\u201d I had to chuckle.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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Oh, how laughter fills the soul\u2026 It\u2019s nice to have the day end on a happy note.<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/div>\n
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Sweet dreams, Annah<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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* * *<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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A poem I wrote the morning following the above entry.<\/span><\/i> <\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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Mother Nature<\/o:p><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n
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The sunshine glitters,<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The snowfall twitters,<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The leaves of fall<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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gently flitter.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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How I love them all\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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the seasons which change<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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are always the same;<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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their beauty before us \u2013<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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a great metamorphosis.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The calmness they bring<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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whispering winds sing.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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A home on the range<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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creatures with no name \u2013<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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The seasons they share;<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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sunbeams which glare,<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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snowflakes so fair.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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How my heart twitters \u2013<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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when nature flitters.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
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With permission, my counselor read my journals. In response to something positive I wrote, he noted in one page\u2019s border: \u201cYes\u2014no one<\/span> is perfect.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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During one of our sessions, I said to my therapist: \u201cMy whole life has been a lie. I\u2019ve been pretending to be this strong, capable, self-assured person.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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He replied\u2014I heard him enough to later write it down\u2014\u201cPeople just can\u2019t fake that stuff, Annah. Not even you.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I was jealous <\/span>when Warren comforted another female: \u201cWhy can\u2019t he do those things for me?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I put my wedding rings back on.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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A counselor at the BSU threatened to remove the word \u201cbut\u201d from my vocabulary; I had to laugh.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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While in the BSU, I felt at times as if protocol was more important than the patients\u2019 needs, and at one point I screamed: \u201cI\u2019m not just some statistic! I\u2014am\u2014a\u2014fucking\u2014human\u2014being!\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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My journals tell the story of my everyday existence.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I wept for an employee whose fianc\u00e9 was in the hospital for months after a horrible accident. I comforted and sheltered a teenage employee whose \u201clife was falling apart.\u201d I arranged transportation for a new hire with Down Syndrome and a mother who didn\u2019t want him to work, because the amount of her monthly checks would decrease. I worried for and cried with friends whose marriage was disintegrating.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I celebrated the success of our accomplishments with my husband: our children, our business, our political campaign that got him elected to a local office, our continued ability to overcome the many obstacles that kept blocking our path.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I poured the feelings of our arguments onto those pages.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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We fought over the big decisions: which direction to take the business in, what equipment to purchase, which expansion to take on next.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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We fought over the little things, those pesky details big enough to bring down the house: the kids, the laundry, frozen water pipes, one-sided communication, finances, a broken furnace, urine on the toilet seat\u2026 Minutia I thought were isolated grievances unto us\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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You are not<\/span> alone.<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/div>\n
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Fortunately we (actually I, I just make it a point to inform my husband every step of the way) have come to realize that many couples suffer much the same little grievances, and that we are not alone. (Thanks, Oprah!)<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I made and lost touch with new acquaintances along the way; each passing step enriched my life a little more.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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There was the mundane: laundry, bills, pets to the vet and pet medicine, school clothes, school pictures, homework, junk mail, housework, house repairs, chore charts, appointments, counseling sessions (lots of them), showers, makeup, meals, colds, earaches, my grandmother\u2019s funeral, bedtime stories, baths, and rubber ducks\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I was an integral part of our business, which was quickly becoming a success in our community.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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During this timeframe, I coordinated and implemented the first two of our annual Fall Harvest Festivals. From these festivals, I devised a way to raise money we donated to the Children\u2019s Miracle Network, proud we could finally give something back to the NICU (neonatal intensive care unit) at our local hospital.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I created the House of Elves, a Christmas shop for children, where all gifts were under five dollars. I, Jingles, (a self-proclaimed honorary elf) and my assistant, Jangles, helped young children shop for loved ones.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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I educated and inspired thousands\u2014youth, parents, and educators\u2014through field trips to our farm. Through these, I fondly became known as \u201cThe Apple Lady.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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Page after page, the journals echo my search in identifying who I was, who I had been and would yet become\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
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\ufeff<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Earlier this week I shared with you something that I had previously revealed only to two other people: my therapist and my husband. It\u2019s a scary, scary thing to not only admit to our shortcomings, but to put them out there for the entire world to see. Scary. SCARY. SCARY! What I can tell you, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3921,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[325,327,1023,329,604,1134,536,333,1135,1136,860,69,335],"class_list":["post-379529","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-bill-clegg","tag-digging-for-the-light","tag-laurie-abkemeier","tag-laurie-fox","tag-manuscript-excerpt","tag-memoir","tag-mental-health","tag-sally-wofford-girand","tag-self-acceptance","tag-self-worth","tag-self-loathing","tag-the-five-facets","tag-william-morris"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/What-we-believe-quote3Black-from-The-Five-Facets.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379529","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379529"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379529\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3921"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379529"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379529"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379529"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}