{"id":379535,"date":"2013-08-09T17:13:00","date_gmt":"2013-08-09T17:13:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/08\/09\/it-takes-two\/"},"modified":"2013-08-09T17:13:00","modified_gmt":"2013-08-09T17:13:00","slug":"it-takes-two","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/08\/09\/it-takes-two\/","title":{"rendered":"It Takes Two"},"content":{"rendered":"
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<\/span><\/em><\/p>\n
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<\/a><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n

It happens to all of us at some time in our lives.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Criticism.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

How we dress. Act. Eat. Sleep. Chew our gum. Wear our hair. Write.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Somebody\u2019s going to have an unfavorable opinion.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

What\u2019s that saying, \u201cWe can\u2019t please everyone, all the time?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Yeah. That.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When we choose to live in a way that puts us out in front of more and more people, we run the risk of more criticism.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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It just stands to reason, for it\u2019s all proportional.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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We also stand the chance for more of those appreciative people to ooh<\/i> and ahh<\/i> about the things we do.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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But here\u2019s the greatest thing of all: We can take what we want or need from each of those things: Criticism and Praise.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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If we choose, we can learn something about ourselves from both. Praise makes us feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, but then sometimes we feel ourselves becoming stagnant, and sometimes like we are giving and giving but not getting anything meaty in return, like Idol worship (though I\u2019ve no clue what that feels like.)<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Criticism tends to make us question our thoughts and beliefs and wonder if what we thought we knew was right or wrong. It makes us feel cold and scared and sometimes immobilized and sometimes defensive until we look closely at the feedback and go, \u201coh, that makes me feel this way,\u201d and sometimes we may say, \u201coh, maybe there is a hint of truth there.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Either way, we are growing. I think we\u2019re always growing, Journeyers. That\u2019s how everyone who comes to this place here bears that name, for I believe we are all on a path to somewhere.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

We have the right to say or feel That<\/i> makes me feel so good and I don\u2019t want anything but glorious recognition because I only want to feel good<\/i>. I happen to find that to be a little shallow, for life is as layered as the onion that found its way into The Five Facets logo.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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We also have the right to say That makes me feel icky and I don\u2019t believe what you say has any merit whatsoever and I\u2019m not going to give you the time of day<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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And we have the right to find balance in the two. I\u2019ve always told my children (among the masses of mantras): \u201cThere is This Side and That Side and the truth often lies somewhere in the middle.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Which brings me back to you and the other readers who come here, who comment, and who share me with the people in their circles.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In case you missed it, I am so honored that both BlogHer<\/i> and The Good Men Project<\/i> recently ran two of my favorite pieces<\/span><\/a>, which brought more magical friends to this space.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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What I hadn\u2019t anticipated is that Our Roots<\/i>, the letter I wrote to Warren on our twenty-fourth wedding anniversary, a way to show myself and him that I am in touch with all the reasons I stayed\u2014continue to stay\u2014after his second affair, received mixed response.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Some people responded that they understood the message and were moved by it, while others went for that jugular, insinuating that any person who has been betrayed and stayed is a victim.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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I feel that those people missed this vital point: We can redefine ourselves as A Good Person in the face of A Bad Choice.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

This is the first comment I received to that men\u2019s magazine piece:<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThis makes me unspeakably sad. Is it wonderful that you can move beyond two affairs? There is so much more that defines a marriage than just the picture perfect or even the day-to-day grind. But are there some serious parasites eating away at the core of your tree? Don\u2019t the leaves fall off in the winter? I will not pretend to know the answers and I definitely don\u2019t judge you. People should put up with much more than they do before firing off that divorce cannon. I don\u2019t think it is wrong to focus on the past good in the relationship or the good of the person sitting next to you. But two affairs\u2026 Will you forgive the third?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

These were my reactions:<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Shock.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To learn more about her. She\u2019s a divorce attorney, one whose livelihood depends on Divorce.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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The realization that I couldn\u2019t possibly craft a condensed comment addressing each of her questions.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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But to try like hell to write those replies (even the flowery, rhetorical one about winter), and then to whittle it down. And down. And down.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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To realize that a pared down 726-word response was still too long.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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To use my Phone a Friend lifeline.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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To appreciate my friend\u2019s wisdom: \u201cIt\u2019s too long. It seems as if you\u2019re trying to get her to agree with you, and you can\u2019t do that. Acknowledge that she asks some valid questions, and don\u2019t give her the time of day on the rest.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Ahhhhhhhhh<\/span><\/i>\u2026\u2026\u2026.sigh of relief\u2026..<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

This is what I ended up saying:<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Thank you for reading and sharing and for asking some valid questions.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One cannot sum up an entire relationship in a short essay, so what I hope readers come away with is this: A Good Man (or woman) can redefine themselves in the face of Bad Choices. <\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

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I believe it\u2019s not The Action or the Surface Stuff that is the root of the problem, but the inner conflicts\/confusion\/lack of knowledge\u2014the personal parasites–that drive individuals to make destructive decisions. Choosing to treat those afflictions lends itself to recovery and a healthier life.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

“What if it happens again,\u201d has been a question I\u2019ve asked myself, more than once. What I\u2019ve realized is that that question comes from a place of fear, and I don\u2019t believe fear to be a good motivator.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

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And to that question, I\u2019d also like to share this reflection. Twenty-three years ago, my firstborn died. Every single day someone says to me, \u201cI could never survive it if one of my children died.\u201d If I\u2019d let the fear of death happening all over again dictate my action, I wouldn\u2019t have had the glorious and infuriating experiences of Motherhood. And along my journey, I\u2019ve also learned this: We never, ever know how we\u2019ll react to a situation until we come face to face with it\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When the second person posed the question, \u201cWhat about the third time?,\u201d I realized that the title makes it seem as if I wrote that letter immediately following the affair.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Almost seven years had passed, Journeyers, seven years of soul searching and studying and learning and growing.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Warren and me, both admitting love for one another, both reaching back to the touchstone of our vows, both deciding that we wanted to do the hard, excruciating work of facing our conflicts and our demons, both knowing that if we divorced we wanted it to come from a place of love and acceptance as opposed to one of hate and vengeance.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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We wanted those things for our children and for ourselves.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Though <\/span>my personal journey did lead me to discover that I\u2019d assumed a role of damsel<\/span><\/a>after the last infidelity, I was not a victim, for I was always in control of where and how I was moving forward.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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And to clarify one vital point, after the first affair with my best friend, Warren and I looked to all the wrong places as the cause: A business, children, family conflicts, Gavin\u2019s death, Stress.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

As such, we worked to improve all of those things and as a result I felt I had the best marriage on the planet when I literally stumbled across the indiscretion.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I was blindsided Journeyers, because we were, individually and together, seemingly strong and happy.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But here\u2019s the thing: That exterior stuff wasn\u2019t responsible for the affair, they were merely triggers that tapped into his angst and personal conflicts, they spoke to his inner discords.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One of the most complex realizations I came to was this: I bore some culpability there.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Now, before you go getting your panties all in a wad and screaming my name along with <\/span>Huma Abedin (Anthony Weiner\u2019s wife), please read on.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I bore some culpability in the dynamics that fed into his conflict, BUT I WASN\u2019T RESPONSIBLE for his actions.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

There is a very fine line there, one I spent a great deal of time dissecting and studying and one I don\u2019t tread on lightly.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One thing Warren lamented after that second dalliance was this: It\u2019s just all business anymore. The Marriage. Our Relationship.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In therapy\u2014the one he requested\u2014two things came to light:<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He felt like I was always telling him what to do and treating him like a child.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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He came from a close-knit family that did everything together, where Mom and Dad took care of everything and everyone, even when those around them were able and willing and wanting<\/i> to take care of themselves.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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Me? I\u2019m a fixer and a teacher and a doer with perfectionist tendencies and a self-admitted control freak (if not me, then who?) and <\/span>I hate doing things inefficiently or more than once<\/span><\/a>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

You know what I did, I just know you do.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I managed everyone’s schedules and got us all to school and work and to doctor\u2019s appointments and all over the world and back in one piece.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I told everyone what to do and how to do it and reminded them when it needed to be done.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

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That was my role.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Warren\u2019s role was setting those things up again and again by forgetting his responsibilities or putting things off or not doing them.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Not because he didn\u2019t know how, Journeyers, but because he\u2019d never had to<\/i>. He\u2019d spent his entire life learning that he was supposed to be dependent on someone else. And though he despised it, he didn\u2019t know there was any other kind of life out there.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Until I came in and upset the family\u2019s entire apple cart. Literally.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

So I lamented that I had to do everything and Warren complained that our marriage lacked spark.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My demons\u2019 destructive nature turned inside to depression and withdrawal and suicidal thoughts while Warren\u2019s turned outside, to someone who made him feel needed and loved and whole.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He was going to carry that dynamic with him wherever he went, as was I, unless we both decided to shine the spotlight inside<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My first brilliant therapist once said to me, \u201cIt takes two to make a marriage work, but only one to mess it up.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Do you see that, Journeyers, it took both of us.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/a><\/div>\n
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It\u2019s so infuriating for us because it kind of goes in a circle, and as I say that I can\u2019t help but think about the symbolism of the ring: I could have chosen to further \u201cmess it up\u201d by being unwilling to do my own hard work. He could have been the one to further \u201cmess it up\u201d by not being willing to do his own hard work.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Someone has to make the first move. And, yet, sometimes the other person is making the first move and we just aren\u2019t seeing it as such\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In a scene from The Proposal, one of my feel-good-go-to films, Sandra Bullock\u2019s character is crazily belting out these lyrics: \u201cIt takes two to make a thing go ri-ight<\/i>! It takes two to make a thing go out of si-ight<\/i>!!\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I believe that mine and Warren\u2019s dedication to ourselves and each other, the hours we\u2019ve spent talking and fighting and dreaming and hoping and working so damned hard are going to take our relationship to that next level, Journeyers, to one that is out of sight.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One by one. Two by two. In good times and bad\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Choice. That\u2019s what builds relationships, Journeyers, people who come together and grow apart and agree and disagree and agree to disagree but somehow are willing to accept that we can all learn something from one another, that each one of us has some merit, even when what\u2019s on the outside feels icky\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

You and me and mine and yours become ours, with all of those things blended together\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s why I also consider you my magical friends, for together we are making a little magic, one word, one effort, one thought at a time\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span>
<\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And for all you inquiring minds who want to know the full response I initially crafted to that reader\u2019s comment, here ya go.<\/span><\/span> <\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Dear Reader,<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
Thank you for reading and for the time of your honest response. Maybe my replies to your questions will help dispel some of your sadness, a feeling that may somehow speak to some personal association you have with divorce or infidelity, be it through friendship, work, or home\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
It is not wonderful that I can move beyond two affairs, but it is a gift to me that I can move beyond the pain and reconcile those fears that caused my suffering: fears of failure, fears of not being good enough or worthy enough of love, and an overwhelming fear of being hurt\u2026<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
There is so much more to marriage, things I couldn\u2019t possibly convey in 1, 500 words, things like personal baggage and dysfunctions in our childhoods and coping and blending and adapting to each other\u2019s growing pains. And then there are things like bravery, Warren\u2019s choice to step out of his comfort zone, to choose therapy, a self exploration that he\u2019d grown up being told was for, well, for lack of a better word, pussies, the stereotype that TGMP is working so very hard to deconstruct.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
One cannot sum up an entire relationship in a short essay, thus what I\u2019d hoped readers would come away with was this: A Good Man (or woman) can be redefined in the face of Bad Choices. Though it is ABSOLUTELY relevant and needs to be addressed, we tend to place too much emphasis on The Affair. Hubby and I made that mistake the first time around, believing that Life\u2019s Exterior Stresses (Conflict\/Family\/Finances\u2026) were the things that led to Adultery.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
It is not The Action or the Surface Stuff that is the root of the problem, but the underlying, inner conflicts\/confusion\/lack of knowledge\u2014the personal parasites–that most often drive an individual to make any type of destructive decision. If one can begin to treat those parasites, then the body becomes disease free, so to speak.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
Winter is a time of respite, when the tree sheds its leaves, and sleeps, a necessary means of preparing for the next growth phase. One thing any farmer will tell you his just how hard those roots and leaves are working when the foliage is glistening.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
We have become a trigger happy people, a society driven by instant gratification, a global species with greater access to more of those proverbial fish and greener pastures. <\/span>But here\u2019s one of the things I learned a long time ago: We can run away from the place we believe to be the cause of our suffering, but since the pain is within us, we carry it <\/span>wherever we go, until such time we stop to understand what is at its very base. Addressing those deepest emotional reservoirs is some of the hardest work we\u2019ll ever do, and too often, it is from those places of anger\/bitterness\/sadness\/confusion\/vanity\/vulnerability that we fire those cannons.<\/span><\/i>
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I am happy that you picked up on those positive elements from both past and present. It is not only the effort, but the genuineness of his actions that is part of the reason I\u2019ve chosen to fight one of the greatest battles of my life.
<\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i>
\u201cBut two affairs\u2026will you forgive the third?\u201d <\/span>Stereotypes such as \u201cOnce an adulterer, always an adulterer\u201d and \u201cOnce a con, always a con,\u201d and \u201cOnce an addict, always an addict.\u201d imply that a person is neither willing nor unable to learn about himself and to grow and to choose different behaviors.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
What if it happens again,\u201d has been a question I\u2019ve asked myself, more than once. What I\u2019ve realized is that that question comes from that place of fear, and when fear is our motivator, we tend to react impulsively. Though I face fear every single day of my life, I try not to let her rule me, for fear is often an immobilizer.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

I\u2019ll part with one final reflection. Twenty-three years ago, my firstborn died. Every single day someone says to me, \u201cI could never survive it if one of my children died.\u201d If I\u2019d let the fear of death happening all over again dictate my action, I wouldn\u2019t have had the glorious and infuriating experiences of Motherhood. And along the way, I learned this: We never, ever know how we\u2019ll react to a situation until we come face to face with it.<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Hugs and healing, Journeyer\u2026 <\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/i>
<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

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Please do share…<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n
<\/a><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/span><\/i> <\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

It happens to all of us at some time in our lives. Criticism. How we dress. Act. Eat. Sleep. Chew our gum. Wear our hair. Write. Somebody\u2019s going to have an unfavorable opinion. What\u2019s that saying, \u201cWe can\u2019t please everyone, all the time?\u201d Yeah. That. When we choose to live in a way that puts […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3947,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[113,1001,56,788,536,1002,223,1003,1004],"class_list":["post-379535","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-family","tag-it-takes-two","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-mental-health","tag-our-roots","tag-relationships","tag-warren","tag-wedding-vows"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/pin_it_button.png","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379535","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379535"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379535\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3947"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379535"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379535"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379535"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}