{"id":379554,"date":"2013-06-27T21:59:00","date_gmt":"2013-06-27T21:59:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/27\/the-not-so-perfect-day\/"},"modified":"2013-06-27T21:59:00","modified_gmt":"2013-06-27T21:59:00","slug":"the-not-so-perfect-day","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/27\/the-not-so-perfect-day\/","title":{"rendered":"The (Not-So) Perfect Day"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
<\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve never really paid much attention to the cards hanging on my therapists\u2019 waiting room fridge.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Until today.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Today these simple words drew me in.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat is your perfect day?\u201d somehow filled me up, expanded my rib cage and my lungs and my heart and my head with promise and contentment and a sense of pleasure.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But right now, after yet another fight with Hubby, this is the first answer to that question.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The perfect day would be one where Warren and I connect.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

On an emotion level.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

On any fucking level.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Right now I find myself filling my large green wastebasket with snotty tissues.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Again<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

We spent almost our entire ninety-minute Tuesday session figuring out a way of coming together to tackle the burgeoning business demands.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been pleading for years, \u201cWe need to do something differently. I need help.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The few changes we\u2019ve made have been inconsistent and feeble, and since I made a commitment to expand my writing and my work on loss and healing, those sporadic efforts have proven totally insufficient.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I am six months behind on our accounting entries and reconciliations.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And when we\u2019ve argued, Warren\u2019s smug (that\u2019s how I interpret it) remark is, \u201cFine, I\u2019ll just take over the accounting. Tell me what I need to do. \u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But (yes, I know, I\u2019ve got to work on eliminating that word from my vocabulary) here\u2019s the thing: Warren has never paid a single bill in his life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Not one.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

No. Wait. I take that back, because he has learned to use Paypal after he\u2019s been playing on Ebay.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I can\u2019t tell you how many times I\u2019ve left him to fill out business paperwork, only to find that it\u2019s been set aside for months.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s like he thinks I can teach him the ins-and-outs of our ledger systems and how to use Quickbooks and from which of our umpteen accounts the umpteen automatic payments are coming from, as if I can explain the accounting systems of all three businesses over an after-dinner cocktail.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Rum and Coke, anyone?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s all such a huge lack of communication.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Our state of affairs, and I\u2019m not talking about infidelity, I\u2019m talking about our state of chaos.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I understood that we were going to sit down Thursday morning, THIS morning, to work on paperwork.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To make a dent in the sorting and filing I started about two weeks ago and haven\u2019t been able to finish.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Do you see the comfy cat? I\u2019m still trying to find the humorous side of that!<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And the stuff at the top of the photo?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Yep. That\u2019s Snowmen Stuff that I haven\u2019t had the time to put away in the one and only storage space in our house.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

(The Easter stuff is behind me.)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

No garage. No attic. A dirt-floor basement.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Every seasonal item (including the mandated ten years worth of tax records) is stored in one 6\u2019x8\u2019 closet that I strategically fill and unfill.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

So for now, my winter collection sits.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

With the stuff I thought Warren and I were going to tackle Today.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To map out some sort of plan, some sort of division of labor, and a system that will keep us afloat.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A plan of attack that works for both of us. Not a plan that works just for him or just for me. A plan that works for The Couple.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I thought the project was going to be a joint venture.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Something we did Together<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Here\u2019s how that went down.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I woke at 8:15 and plodded downstairs, at which time Warren told me he had a migraine and was going back up to bed to lie down.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Astute and aware being that I am, I noticed that he\u2019d pulled a few mounds of receipts from the littered buffet top (that\u2019s where he empties his wallet when it gets too full) and had begun sorting them on our dining room table.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I was heading out the door to my noon therapist appointment when he came downstairs at 11:15.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I return home to find Warren working in the field and to these neatly lined up rows of papers.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
Waiting for me to make the next move, maybe?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That\u2019s what History would say.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I head to my office where, two minutes later Warren pops his head in to tell me he\u2019s heading out to take care of this job and to go pick up those parts.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Not one single mention about the pact we made in the therapist\u2019s office.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Not one single word about the neatly arranged payment slips.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

So much for our plan to come Together and create a new strategy.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Another arrangement cast aside.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My needs once again Dis-Missed<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Once again I\u2019m left to read his mind, second guess his thoughts and motives<\/i>, and to literally pick up the pieces<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Rather than let my frustration fester, I did what I most often do and asked Warren if we could talk about what happened and how I was feeling.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Trish said to me today, during my personal appointment, that Warren and I \u201ckeep doing the same dance, just to a different song.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve been lamenting this for years.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWe give whole new meaning to the term \u2018two ships passing in the night,\u2019 \u201d I said to Warren this afternoon.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

You see, when I questioned him about why we weren\u2019t coming together as we\u2019d arranged, he said he thought he\u2019d fulfilled our agreement<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He was going to help out with the paperwork.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

AND HE DID THAT.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI had a migraine. I never expected to sleep that long because usually after twenty minutes I\u2019m fine. And when I came downstairs, you had an appointment to go to.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

This is what I heard: \u201cYou\u2019re the one who\u2019s preventing us from making our deal happen.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

So much for communication, effective communication<\/i>, I should say.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I tried to express to him how we don\u2019t come together to do things, how the paperwork problem wasn\u2019t as much about the paper as it was about him doing what he\u2019s always done: Avoiding. Dodging communication and follow-through and commitment.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Seven years ago he lamented to his therapist that our marriage felt like a business relationship, and I have felt all these years that he was blaming me for that.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But today, as we argued, it dawned on me that maybe it\u2019s been him all along, that he\u2019s been the one keeping the emotional connection at arm\u2019s length.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I told him as much.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

No surprise there, huh.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know,\u201d I asked, \u201cWhat does a non-businesslike relationship mean to you? What does that look like? Would it be just about the sex? Because to me, an emotional connection is about so much more than that, and you, yourself have admitted numerous times that you don\u2019t like to talk about your emotions.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ve been making it a point to ask about your day, to pay attention to the stuff you\u2019ve been telling me about your students and to ask about them and how they\u2019re doing,\u201d he replied.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Clearly, we are on two totally different ships\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

This tango took us around our worn dance floor until my head was splitting from the tempo of it all.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do this anymore. We\u2019re just going in circles,\u201d I said to Warren, \u201cand right now my head is pounding and I have to pay bills.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll stay here and work on it with you, if that will help you out.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

(Deep breath.)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

(Sigh<\/i>\u2026.)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Those are the two things I wish I\u2019d done.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But I didn\u2019t.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNO!\u201d I screamed at him, \u201cNO! WHY DOES IT ALWAYS HAVE TO COME TO THIS, FOR ME TO BE ANGRY<\/b> FOR YOU TO ACT?! NO!\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And then I said something I think I\u2019ve only said one other time in my entire life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cJUST GET OUT! GET THE FUCK OUT!\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Right now, the perfect day would be for me and Warren to somehow stop our sailing ships, to tether them together in the middle of the fucking ocean\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Hmmmm\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That begs the question, who\u2019s going to jump his ship first?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s not go there\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s go here, to this perfect day, one where Warren and I are on the same<\/i> ship, bobbing on a lake of gentle waves, we are nestled into one another and we are speaking the same language\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

(In a world where men aren\u2019t from Mars\u2026)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/i><\/span> What about you? What does your perfect (or not-so-perfect) day look like<\/i>?<\/span><\/div>\n
Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I\u2019ve never really paid much attention to the cards hanging on my therapists\u2019 waiting room fridge. Until today. Today these simple words drew me in. \u201cWhat is your perfect day?\u201d somehow filled me up, expanded my rib cage and my lungs and my heart and my head with promise and contentment and a sense of […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4051,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[890,891,892,177,786,787,56,788,893,223,894],"class_list":["post-379554","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-accounting","tag-business","tag-communication","tag-divorce","tag-emotions","tag-marital-discord","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-men-are-from-mars","tag-relationships","tag-the-not-so-perfect-day"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/06\/Perfect-Day-sign.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379554","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379554"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379554\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4051"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379554"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379554"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379554"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}