{"id":379558,"date":"2013-06-18T02:17:00","date_gmt":"2013-06-18T02:17:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/18\/our-roots\/"},"modified":"2013-06-18T02:17:00","modified_gmt":"2013-06-18T02:17:00","slug":"our-roots","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/18\/our-roots\/","title":{"rendered":"Our Roots"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
\u201cThis is the hard work of marriage,\u201d I said to Warren.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

We were sitting on our deck steps, arguing the way we\u2019ve argued for twenty-some years.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Streams of snot and tears ran down my face.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe easier thing to do would have been to say \u2018Fuck YOU,\u2019 and leave,\u201d Warren.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe easier thing would be to bury our heads in the sand and pretend none of the tension exists.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe easier thing would be to deny that there is this trauma holding us apart.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s easier to talk about the surface stuff than to face our deep dark demons.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In that moment, I saw the freshly leaved tree, towering across our lawn, its green foliage filling the sky with color.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s like that tree, Warren. We see those glossy green leaves, but it\u2019s what\u2019s beneath the surface that\u2019s the most important.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe roots are what give it its strength and vitality. The roots are what hold it all together. We need to talk about the roots that produce those pretty green leaves, Warren.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnything would be easier than doing this work, Warren. It\u2019s so much easier to talk about the leaves than it is to think about the roots that are buried beneath the surface.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Journeyers, today marks the twenty-fourth anniversary of the day I said, \u201cI will,\u201d to this man.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I will love you when you bring me flowers or gifts for absolutely no reason other than, Just Because<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I will love you when you forget our anniversary.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I will love you when I find pee spots splattered all over the toilet seat.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Though wouldn\u2019t it be nice if someone would tell us about that<\/i> kind of stuff before<\/i> we tie the proverbial knot?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I will love you when you do the dishes.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A few weeks ago, as I contemplated our years together, I asked myself what it is that keeps me coming back, keeps me fighting one of the greatest fights of my life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

As I contemplated all these things, Journeyers, it dawned on me that I\u2019ve never really shown you that side.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And it dawned on me that honoring his goodness is also one of the greatest gifts I could probably give to Warren, a gift of grace and gratitude.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That is something we can all use now and again, isn\u2019t it Friends?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I try, Journeyers.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I call managers to let them know their workers did a great job.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I call parents of students who have turned their bad behaviors into better choices.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I tell my students who sit quietly and follow the rules how much I appreciate them.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And whenever I can, I let the adults in their lives know what a fine job they\u2019ve done, how special their children are.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

There\u2019s a saying in education that goes something like this: \u201cWe spend ninety percent of our efforts on ten percent of the people.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019d like to try a little harder to give those ninety-percent the props they deserve.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Don\u2019t we all like to hear that our hard work has paid off?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That our children are actually living what we\u2019ve preached?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To hear that our kids are kind and helpful, that they are polite and gracious, and that they don\u2019t fart and belch and pick their noses and eat their boogers in public?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To know that others are thankful for us<\/i>? <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Let\u2019s work harder on paying homage to the goodness around us, Journeyers.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One person at a time, we can make a collective difference in the world.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n

<\/span>And on that note, allow me to introduce you to Warren\u2019s roots\u2026<\/span><\/span>
<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
Dear Warren,<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Do you remember our recent conversation? The one we had on the back stoop steps?<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve been thinking a great deal about that discussion.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Mostly, though, I\u2019ve been thinking about that tree.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Remember when I told you about that writer, the one with a motto of Show up<\/i>?<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And I told you that that\u2019s one of the things I love about you, that you \u201cjust keep showing up?\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When Gavin died and I was weighed down by surgery and morphine and grief and disbelief, you were there to lift sorrow\u2019s anchor and to tackle some of life\u2019s most difficult tasks.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
A burial plot and gravestone for our son.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When my mind was too foggy to comprehend what the doctors and nurses were saying, you listened and understood for the both of us.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And when I couldn\u2019t bathe while holding my stapled-together stomach, you were the one who washed my wounds.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Every single day, you showed up.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those things are your leaves of Compassion.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I became so depressed and felt I could no longer cope with the seemingly senseless situations of my life, you were there to pick up the pieces of my shattered existence.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
During my psychiatric stay, you were there to pick up laundry.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
You were there to lift up our children who desperately needed a parent to reassure them everything was going to be okay.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Every single day you showed up. At home. At the hospital.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Even when I closed the door, you were there.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
With a pen, a poem, or words of promise for me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
With a hand and a hug for our kids.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are leaves of Dedication.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I\u2019ve needed perfection, a way of proving to the world that I was worthy enough, you were there with your messy ways.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
To show me and tell me that you loved me when the floors were clean or dirty.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When my mind\u2019s been muddled and I\u2019ve forgotten that I\u2019ve told you the same thing five times already, or I can\u2019t remember what you said, you\u2019ve been there to rinse off the frustration and repeat\u2026with kindness\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I can\u2019t remember our children\u2019s favorite desserts or the details that define a story, that give it credence and merit and sense, you\u2019ve been there with that uncanny recall of names and places and dates.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I\u2019ve mixed metaphors and continents and timeframes, you\u2019ve been there to fill in the facts for me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And when I\u2019ve failed to finish my spoken thoughts, you\u2019ve been there to encourage me to stop my wandering mind and to focus. <\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are leaves of Patience.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I\u2019ve been so caught up in the day-to-day drudgery and forgotten to chuckle at life and myself, you\u2019ve been there with your zany sense of humor.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I\u2019ve taken myself too seriously, you\u2019ve been there with a good belly laugh at the ready.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Have I told you enough times how grateful I am our children have your quick wit?<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are leaves of Joy.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When you\u2019ve made mistakes along the way, you\u2019ve been there to apologize and to listen to my fear.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When so many of the things you grew up knowing didn\u2019t fit into our life, when laundry needed folding <\/span>and our stomachs needed nourishment, you were there to sort socks from shirts and to wear the evidence of your latest culinary creation.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span>When changes had to be made and people had to be spoken to, you were there to stand up for what you knew in your heart of hearts to be the right thing. For you. For us. For our own beautiful little family.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And when I thought we had done everything we possibly could to make it work, when I believed we had no chance of surviving this latest storm, you burrowed into the soil deeper than you\u2019ve ever dug before.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are leaves of Bravery.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I\u2019ve been self-conscious about my weight and haven\u2019t felt beautiful, you\u2019ve quoted lines from Pretty Woman<\/i> and spooned into me each morning after I punched the alarm\u2019s snooze.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Those are leaves of Romance.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
And at the base of all these branches is Love.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span><\/span> <\/div>\n
I\u2019ve come to realize that the foliage is more than just the showy part of the tree.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
They need each other, those roots and those leaves.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
They work in tandem to make the parts bigger and stronger and prettier.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Together<\/span><\/i> they strive to contain disease and distress and dysfunction.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Together<\/span><\/i> they exhale life into the world.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Together<\/span><\/i>, they are more than the sum of their parts.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Thank you for all you do to help keep us grounded and gleaming.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I love our roots, Warren, and each and every one of our leaves.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
For, together, they comprise The Tree of Our Married Life\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Happy 24th<\/sup><\/b> anniversary, Honey!<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/span> <\/div>\n
I love you.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cThis is the hard work of marriage,\u201d I said to Warren. We were sitting on our deck steps, arguing the way we\u2019ve argued for twenty-some years. Streams of snot and tears ran down my face. \u201cThe easier thing to do would have been to say \u2018Fuck YOU,\u2019 and leave,\u201d Warren. \u201cThe easier thing would be […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":3957,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[177,904,56,368,223,905,906,907,903],"class_list":["post-379558","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-divorce","tag-leaves","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-vows","tag-relationships","tag-roots","tag-the-tree-of-our-married-life","tag-tree-of-life","tag-wedding-anniversary"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/08\/Tree-of-Life-Tapestry.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379558","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379558"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379558\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/3957"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379558"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379558"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379558"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}