{"id":379564,"date":"2013-06-06T03:36:00","date_gmt":"2013-06-06T03:36:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/06\/i-could-use-a-friend-or-seven-right-about-now\/"},"modified":"2013-06-06T03:36:00","modified_gmt":"2013-06-06T03:36:00","slug":"i-could-use-a-friend-or-seven-right-about-now","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/06\/06\/i-could-use-a-friend-or-seven-right-about-now\/","title":{"rendered":"I Could Use a Friend (or seven) Right About Now"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
Journeyers, I need you right now.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A couple of weeks ago, something inside of me broke.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And instead of trying to fix it, I buried it.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I went on weekend trips with Warren and pretended to myself and him and the world around us that we were happy.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That I was happy holding his hand and standing by his side.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But I\u2019m tired, Journeyers, I\u2019m so exhausted.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Tonight, as we sat in the hot tub, I admitted, out loud, what I\u2019ve been feeling for far too long.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWarren, sometimes loving you hurts too much. It just hurts me.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

You see, I\u2019ve been sensing for a very long time his ambivalence about being attainable.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The cell phone has been a way for me to have peace of mind.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But for many, many months now, I\u2019ve sensed that he resents carrying it.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Several weeks ago when we were talking, the truth finally came out.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026a god-damned leash,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And suddenly my feelings morphed into something viable and real and validated\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThen don\u2019t carry it anymore. Get rid of the fucking thing,\u201d I said to him, \u201cjust get rid of it.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Hope. I guess my hope that he wanted more than anything to be with me, to make our marriage work, that he wanted it as much as I did\u2026turned sour.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Spoiled.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My pretty glass of hope turned murky.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Journeyers, I\u2019m so sad right now, so exhausted.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Glennon Melton (I swear I\u2019m not a stalker\u2026I just found her a couple of months before her release date), recently wrote something along the lines that she doesn\u2019t want to be a poster child for Divorce, nor does she want to be a poster child for Staying.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I guess if I had to be one of the two, I\u2019ve been closer to the Stayer, but more than anything, I\u2019ve just wanted to be Courageous and Thorough and to give my vows every opportunity to prove themselves.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But, Journeyers, I\u2019m hurting so much right now.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Isn\u2019t there a song about love hurting? Something from the Big Hair 80s?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Where\u2019s my freaking rock band?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Forget the clouds, Friends, please send in the music.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I just want to feel wanted and loved and more than merely needed<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I want that desire to be authentic.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I know that when we love we are vulnerable.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I just don\u2019t know what to do right now.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m so afraid of doing the wrong thing that sometimes I just don\u2019t do anything.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I bury it, until something happens.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Like yesterday, when Warren came home and told me he\u2019d had \u201can awkward lunch.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The woman who\u2019d assisted during a dental procedure he\u2019d had that morning had ended up having lunch at the same McDonald\u2019s he\u2019d stopped at.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cShe just picked up her tray and sat down at my table and told me her whole life\u2019s story.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I was immediately transported back to his last affair, when he told me things about this girl living across the street from his job site.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In passing, little details about this struggling and desperate woman who\u2019d had two of her children taken away\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhy did you tell me things about her life,\u201d I asked him tonight, trying to understand, to bring some order to the chaos, to tidy up the shredded strands of that time of my life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Me, the consummate questioner of \u201cWhy?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Then, again, aren\u2019t we all looking for answers, to make sense of the seemingly senseless?<\/span>
<\/span>
To understand<\/em>, so we’ll recognize it if it happens again, and to explain away unusual circumstance when needed?<\/span>
<\/span>
To have a bed upon which we can lay blame?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He didn\u2019t remember talking about her.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One thing led to the next, which led to him being frustrated and me feeling even more confused than before.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I want him to want<\/i>to do things that make me feel at ease and rebuild trust.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He doesn\u2019t understand that when he becomes frustrated or feels he has to do something, I detect his resentment\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And the whole saga begins, again\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Is he mad because his back\u2019s against a wall and he\u2019s doing something he shouldn\u2019t be<\/i> or<\/i> is it pure frustration and guilt?<\/i><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

One thing I know about myself is that when I make my mind up about something, I don\u2019t look back.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I don\u2019t want to do the wrong thing, Journeyers, but I don\u2019t know what the right thing is.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I want to keep loving Warren for all the many good and wonderful and kind traits he has.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But I\u2019m so afraid, Journeyers, so, so afraid of having my heart sliced in two, again\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My therapist (also our marriage counselor) is on a thirty-day leave\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I have to work real hard at that kind of patience\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I know sharing your stories might be equally frightening, but please, I could really use a friend (or seven) right about now\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

To hear how others have moved forward in a complicated marriage with some sort of grace and dignity and kindness\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And while you\u2019re at it, can you bring Glenda, the Good Witch from the north, and her sparkly wand?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A little sprinkling of magic would be nice, too\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Thanks for being here, Journeyers\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Journeyers, I need you right now. A couple of weeks ago, something inside of me broke. And instead of trying to fix it, I buried it. I went on weekend trips with Warren and pretended to myself and him and the world around us that we were happy. That I was happy holding his hand […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[177,250,935,80,54,56,788,368,223],"class_list":["post-379564","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-divorce","tag-friends","tag-i-could-use-a-friend-or-seven-right-about-now","tag-infidelity","tag-loss-and-healing","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-marriage-vows","tag-relationships"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379564","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379564"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379564\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379564"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379564"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379564"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}