{"id":379573,"date":"2013-05-17T02:45:00","date_gmt":"2013-05-17T02:45:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/05\/17\/im-sad\/"},"modified":"2013-05-17T02:45:00","modified_gmt":"2013-05-17T02:45:00","slug":"im-sad","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/05\/17\/im-sad\/","title":{"rendered":"I’m Sad"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
Two days ago <\/span>I was so mad it gave me a rare, pounding headache<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The kind that makes your eyes bulge and your entire body hurt.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And last night I was the kind of sad that brings giant crocodile tears.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The kind that builds towers out of snotty tissues.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019m sad because I realized, yesterday, for the first time in my life, actually heard the whispers of my gut, You\u2019ve spent the past twenty-five years putting the lid on your desires<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Marriage counseling is hard, grueling work that sometimes breaks us wide open<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

It all started with a counseling session, where we gave Trish another peek into the way we quarrel.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

We bickered and bantered and argued over semantics.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Over a business question I asked him in front of a friend.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He felt like I was attacking him.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201c<\/span>But what do you want him to know, Annah<\/span><\/a>?\u201d Trish interrupted my diatribe at one point.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI want to be heard,\u201d the words echoed what I\u2019ve been saying for years.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

What it now appears I might have been wishing for my whole life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

After one of our last sessions, I realized that through this round of marriage counseling, I not only wanted to make mine and Warren\u2019s relationship better, our communication and understanding of each other\u2019s needs stronger, I wanted to find out if we are going to be compatible<\/i> in the next chapters of our lives.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

If our hopes and dreams and wants and needs as we move into and through Middle Age and The Empty Nest are going to blend.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Not blend, really, for there is crushing and shredding and excruciating noise that comes with blending something.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

More like meld, to bond in a quieter and much more beautiful way than the friction that has heated us up and sort of made us stick to one another.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Relationships are all types of dance: The Spicy Tango, The Flowing Waltz, they can be grinding and gyrating one minute, and easy and effortless the next.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But I digress.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>Last night, as we sat in the car in our drive, I told Warren that I\u2019ve been thinking a great deal about my relationship with my children.<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

<\/a><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
I told him how <\/span>hurt and mad I was to know that Beauty couldn\u2019t recollect one single fond memory she shared with me<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cThat makes me sad,\u201d I sad.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve spent my children\u2019s entire life reeling from Gavin\u2019s death and your two affairs.\u201d (zinger)<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cI spent so much time fighting to end the dysfunction, trying to grow, trying to keep the family together\u2026I realize that part of it is the simple dynamic that I was the disciplinarian and you were the go-to-fun-guy. Most relationships have those sorts of roles.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cBut at some point, I quit doing things with them,\u201d I lamented.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cI did this. <\/span>And that makes me sad,\u201d I cried.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Our discussion meandered and then Warren said this, \u201cUnfortunately, the things we like to do to relax are not the same.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cWe should do things because it makes the other person happy.\u201d<\/span><\/b><\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cNot because you feel you have to or because you think you\u2019ll get in trouble if you don\u2019t,\u201d our first therapist said to Warren many years ago.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cYou\u2019re right,\u201d I said, \u201cbut that doesn\u2019t mean we can\u2019t enjoy being together. I don\u2019t like hunting and fishing and that sort of stuff, the idea of killing an animal for any reason is just incomprehensible to me, but I know how much satisfaction you and the kids find in putting food on the table. So I give what I can. I take pictures of you all on the hunts, and I go along on fishing trips.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cYeah, but you can do that because you have your computer,\u201d he argued.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It doesn\u2019t matter if it\u2019s a book or a computer or something to write with. The point is that I\u2019ve inserted<\/i>myself into those events that bring you guys joy, because I want to be a part of it. Because I enjoy watching you enjoy yourselves.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve chosen<\/i> to find a way to feel pleasure doing things that you like to do.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
He continued to bring up the computer, which has been his objection for many years, \u201cYou\u2019re always<\/i> on your computer,\u201d and complained that he couldn\u2019t be a part of \u201cwhat you enjoy.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
The conversation continued to wander, \u201cYou want to travel and speak and do your thing,\u201d he said, \u201cand I\u2019m okay with that, but, honestly, it makes me uncomfortable to talk about Gavin and the affairs.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I get that.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But at that moment, I began to realize his argument as an excuse.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cI do write a great deal about loss and healing, because I think I can make a difference in the world,\u201d I said to him, \u201cbut I also write about other things like how much <\/span>I love my bed<\/span><\/a>.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cAnd my computer isn\u2019t the only thing that makes me happy. If you really wanted to be a part of something so important to me, well, where there\u2019s a will\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cThere\u2019s a way,\u201d he finished my sentence.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I can\u2019t recall exactly what came after that, but Warren must have said something about him not seeing me as having any other type of relaxation outside of my laptop and my writing.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n
\u201cI used to love going to the fair,\u201d I said to him, \u201cI actually used to dream about going back home in the fall, just to go to the State Fair\u2026the people and the sausage and the smell of the air\u2026 All those concert tickets I bought Beauty for her birthdays\u2026that was probably just as much about doing something with her, something I thought we\u2019d both enjoy. But she doesn\u2019t remember any of that, but I\u2019ll bet she would have if you\u2019d been the one to take her.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
My two favorites are the Ferris Wheel and the carousel. I\u2019m not sure Warren and I have ever sat in one of those hanging baskets together.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Funny. Now that I mention it, he\u2019s said it\u2019s about not liking heights, but that\u2019s never stopped him from standing on a three-story roof\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cThose are the memories I wanted to create with my children, but I let your reactions dictate what we did. I let my excitement die. Me I chose that.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Sadness is exhausting and depletes the soul.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I wanted to be done talking and thinking about those things that made me melancholy, so I got out of the car and carried my weary self inside.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But as I sat on the commode (don\u2019t you do some of their best thinking atop The Porcelain Throne?), my squelched fun hit me square upside the head.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span>\u201cCarnivals and fireworks and amusement park rides,\u201d I said to Warren as I passed him in the kitchen, on my way to join Big Guy in the hot tub.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
He looked up from what he was doing and nodded a symbol of understanding. \u201cOkay,\u201d he said, \u201cNoted.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I could see the wheels turning in his brain, \u201cWhen does the fair come to town? Where will we be on the Fourth of July?\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Alone in the hot tub after Big Guy finished his soaking, more buried enthusiasm flashed before my eyes.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span>Horses and horseback riding\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n
<\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n
I was so excited when we moved to a farm with a barn and acres and acres of pasture.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Dreams are like damaged goods when negativity is attached to them<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cWe\u2019re not buying any damned horses,\u201d Warren said in some variation or another, each time I brought up the subject.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Eventually, I closed the drawer on that dream.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And when he told me the same after Beauty showed an equine interest, the best I could do was sign her up for lessons.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I watched from behind the ring and justified the lock on my bin of dreams by telling myself there wasn\u2019t enough money to open it.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Warren\u2019s many protests resounded in my ears, \u201cFairs\/Amusement parks are a giant waste of money\/Nothing but a waste of time. I hate<\/i> rides. I\u2019m not going to the damned fair.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
\u201cI did this,\u201d I said to Warren, \u201cI chose to squash my dreams.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
The pattern has finally revealed itself to me.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
This has been the Days of Our Lives: Warren blusters. I retreat.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
In the past twenty-four hours, I\u2019ve come to realize that I\u2019ve probably spent a good share of my life capping my enthusiasm.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Somewhere along the way, I formed an opinion that my needs and wants and desires don\u2019t matter as much as those of the people around me.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
That it\u2019s easier to find something else to do than deal with someone else\u2019s negativity.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But in the past six years, I\u2019ve slowly come to realize that I want to be heard, and that I want to be valued.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve slowly been accepting the fact that I deserve the same treatment I give to others.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Change doesn\u2019t necessarily have a domino effect<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And yet, as I\u2019ve made these changes in my life, I\u2019ve come to realize that other people aren\u2019t necessarily on board.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Adapting the way I want to be treated doesn\u2019t necessarily mean others are going to want to alter the way they think and live and act.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve been mourning friendships that have fallen prey to the effect, and I\u2019ve struggled with these questions, \u201cIs it worth it? Am I doing something wrong? Am I just being ridiculous?\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But the resounding answers are that I am worth it. I deserve to be treated with the same kind, thoughtful consideration I give to others.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019m sad about the loss of those relationships that were once so valuable to me.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Since I\u2019ve always preferred quality over quantity when it comes to friendships, I find myself in a little lonelier place these days.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Writing is a solitary place as it is, and were it not for my need to connect with people, a great drive for human interaction, I could easily become a hermit.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But you, each and every one of you who stops by are what keeps me going, keeps me focused on my desire to write and share and relate, to make a difference.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
One person at a time\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Thank you for being here. For reading, listening, sharing, and caring\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Here, with you right now, I\u2019m a little less sad\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/o:p><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
What about you? Have you allowed another\u2019s disparaging comments to stifle your enthusiasm? Ever made changes in your life that caused conflict with others? How did you handle it? What happened to those relationships?<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/o:p><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/o:p><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Two days ago I was so mad it gave me a rare, pounding headache. The kind that makes your eyes bulge and your entire body hurt. And last night I was the kind of sad that brings giant crocodile tears. The kind that builds towers out of snotty tissues. I\u2019m sad because I realized, yesterday, […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4140,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[786,113,19,54,787,56,788,63,223,789,371],"class_list":["post-379573","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-emotions","tag-family","tag-inspiration","tag-loss-and-healing","tag-marital-discord","tag-marriage","tag-marriage-counseling","tag-parenting","tag-relationships","tag-sad","tag-surviving-infidelity"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/05\/Sad-Face.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379573","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379573"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379573\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4140"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379573"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379573"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379573"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}