{"id":379587,"date":"2013-04-05T16:05:00","date_gmt":"2013-04-05T16:05:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/04\/05\/addressing-attachment-injury\/"},"modified":"2013-04-05T16:05:00","modified_gmt":"2013-04-05T16:05:00","slug":"addressing-attachment-injury","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/04\/05\/addressing-attachment-injury\/","title":{"rendered":"Addressing Attachment Injury"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about you two,\u201d Trish said, \u201cand about how I can best help.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The last time Warren and I were in this therapist\u2019s office, we had some heated discussions about The Future\u2014Ours, His, Mine<\/i>\u2014The House, Retirement, The Economy, The Funds (now and forthcoming).<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He, who has lived in the same community\u2014within a ten-mile radius\u2014his entire life, is not daunted by the rising crime and declining growth.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve often said, \u201cThe River runs through his veins, not blood.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

His is the mentality, \u201cI was born here. I\u2019m going to die here.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I had suggested we should talk about The Future and consider the many options available to us, including A Move.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I took his, \u201cI\u2019m okay with selling the rentals\u201d to mean End of Discussion.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRather delve into language and how people talk to one another, I like to look at Attachment Injury,\u201d said Trish.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The pain that arises as result of trauma. Emotional trauma.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

She shared with me some observations she\u2019d made regarding the way I express my anguish surrounding Warren\u2019s last affair.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cSometimes you tend to toss in these zingers<\/i>,\u201d she began, \u201cand I\u2019m not sure that is helpful to the situation.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Condemnation not only adds additional attachment injury, it convolutes the source of our own distress<\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And then she offered an alternative, \u201cJust share with him your pain. Only<\/i> your pain. Cut out the story.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Ha!<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The irony of asking a story teller to eliminate The Story from the conversation added a bit of comic relief to our session.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Zingers? Um, <\/i>I thought, okay, yeah, I think I understand what she means\u2026<\/i><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

What I was about to realize wholeheartedly, however, is exactly what those barbs are, and just how excruciating it is to share the depth of hurt without them, without the incorporation of blame and reproach.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI felt like I was blindsided.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t trust you.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t trust other people.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t trust myself<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI couldn\u2019t trust logic or what I knew\u2014thought<\/i> I knew\u2014in my head to be accurate.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cIt felt crazy, like everything was all twisted together and nothing made sense.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I turned to Trish, \u201cThe first time around I, we, blamed the affair on our circumstances, Gavin\u2019s death, the business, his parents\u2019 interference\u2014\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRemember,\u201d the mediator said, \u201cjust your pain.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t trust my heart.<\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI am sorry I\u2014\u201d Warren began his usual statement of apology.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I did something I\u2019ve been noticing these past few years: I instinctively balled my fists and shook my forearms by the side of my head, as if to shield my ears and my brain.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhat?\u201d Warren questioned.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou say that as casually as if you were explaining to me how to\u2026how to paint a wall. There\u2019s no emotion.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI mean it,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And then my frustration and anger came through.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI am not some fucking sheet of wallboard! I am a human and you hurt me terribly! And you act like a god-damned robot\u2014mechanical<\/i>\u2014it\u2019s all just mechanical.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Tears of frustration and sadness flowed freely.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, with the first affair, when you slept with my best friend (The Zinger<\/i>), you cried over her, Warren. You cried<\/i> when you told me you loved her and that you didn\u2019t know what to do. You fucking cried over her.\u201d (Zinger<\/i>)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

In that moment I realized there was still some unresolved grief regarding his first tryst.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI hated how you were the one who caused all of the pain and conflict and disruption in our family, (Zingers<\/i>) and yet you went on acting as if nothing had changed. My children saw me being neurotic, heard me yelling and crying, and felt my withdrawal because I was so confused and exhausted from it all. And the crazy-making part? You<\/i>, nothing happened to you. \u201cThere weren\u2019t any<\/i> consequences. You walked through every single day unscathed and came off smelling and looking like a god-damned<\/i> rose!\u201d (Zinger. Zinger. Zinger.<\/i>)<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cRemember. Your<\/i>pain. Without the slights,\u201d Trish prodded when I took a breath.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cBut you haven\u2019t shed one drop over me. You say you\u2019re sorry, but, honestly, when it comes right down to it, I don\u2019t believe you. I don\u2019t think you really mean it and I am scared to death of being hurt like that, again.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Raw, undiluted grief allows us to tap into the wellspring of our fears, the origins of our outrage and our suffering.<\/o:p><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Personal. Keep it personal<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI didn\u2019t feel attractive, didn\u2019t feel loved, didn\u2019t feel like I mattered, or like I was as important to you as they were.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The essence of how insignificant I felt in our relationship gushed from my gut.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI felt like I didn\u2019t have any value at all.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t see your remorse and I don\u2019t feel it, so I\u2019m constantly searching for signs, like the time you were standing on a ladder, holding a drill and a board overhead, yet you still answered the phone. That wasn\u2019t staged or planned or rehearsed.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI don\u2019t know what else to say or do,\u201d Warren interjected.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Trish asked him if anyone had ever hurt him, if he\u2019d ever felt a deep sense of loss.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

She rephrased the question to clarify emotiona<\/i>l hurt, when he indicated he\u2019d never been hurt.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cNo, no one\u2019s ever done anything to me like that,\u201d he said, \u201cany pain I\u2019ve ever felt has been self-inflicted, it\u2019s all been caused by my own actions.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

He feels responsible for everything\u2014his father\u2019s verbal abuse, the dysfunction. Classic. The child in him still can\u2019t admit to parental shortcomings<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The look of incredulity flashed across my face as a grin and I had to apologize to Warren and ask him to continue before I interjected this thought.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
\u201cI\u2019m ashamed of what I did to you and I\u2019m\u2026 I\u2019m embarrassed.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span> <\/div>\n
<\/a><\/div>\n
\ufeff<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Warren\u2019s words were slowing.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>\u201cI can\u2019t begin to imagine how much hurt you feel, because I\u2019ve never been hurt like that. It makes me sick to see so you in so much pain.\u201d <\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

His eyes, which darted away from Trish and me, took on a glassy look, in what appeared to be restrained sadness.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThe one person in the world who means the most to me\u2026the person I care about more than anything else, and\u2026and\u2026I<\/i> caused it\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

His words had been becoming softer, yet gravelly in his throat. \u201cI did this,\u201d he ended, \u201cI<\/i>did this\u2026\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Somewhere in there he made a reference to being punished.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And I realized he had never understood my references that he\u2019d never endured any effect from his destructive choices.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

All this time I\u2019d felt as if the conflict had fallen at my feet, and then lain there as a mess that everyone expected me to clean up.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019m sorry if you\u2019ve felt that I wanted you punished<\/i>. I never wanted retribution. I\u2019ve always said I didn\u2019t want the kids to hate you or turn away from you, and I\u2019ve tried to express that it was the dynamic of it all that was just so paradoxical.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I felt the lump forming in my own throat.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, this is the first time in our twenty-some years together that you have ever expressed how important I am to you.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

A sense of monumental relief washed over me.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve never even hinted that I mean that much to you, let alone am the most important person in your life.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I do matter<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd this is the first time since your affairs that I see that they did have an effect on you, the first time your acknowledgement has seemed sincere. The first time it felt\u2026genuine.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Warren shared that he didn\u2019t understand the difference between what he\u2019d just said and what he\u2019d been saying.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When Trish urged him to think about how he was feeling while he was speaking, he recognized the symptoms in his \u201cshaking hands, beating heart, and labored speech.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I\u2019ve just always had a hard time with the emotional stuff,\u201d he said, \u201cand so I thought I was letting you know all those things with my actions. But I can see, now, why it\u2019s been so hard for you.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI love you, Warren. Thank you,\u201d I said, \u201cthank you for loving me enough to do this work.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd thank you, Trish, for saying Yes<\/i>. There were so many No<\/i>s. I\u2019m just so, so grateful. Thank you.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

End of Session.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Let healing at its very core commence\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

What about you? Have you experienced a breakthrough in communication or conflict resolution with a partner? Have you experienced an Attachment Injury? Please share your story here and spread courage and resource for others who are searching, grappling, for some sort of promise.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/o:p><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cI\u2019ve been thinking about you two,\u201d Trish said, \u201cand about how I can best help.\u201d The last time Warren and I were in this therapist\u2019s office, we had some heated discussions about The Future\u2014Ours, His, Mine\u2014The House, Retirement, The Economy, The Funds (now and forthcoming). He, who has lived in the same community\u2014within a ten-mile […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4204,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[49,867,34,177,686,56,546,223,371,489,167],"class_list":["post-379587","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-adultery","tag-attachment-injury","tag-conflict-resolution","tag-divorce","tag-emotional-health","tag-marriage","tag-psychology","tag-relationships","tag-surviving-infidelity","tag-tips-for-resolving-marital-conflict","tag-womens-issues"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2013\/04\/Addressing-Attachment-Injury.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379587","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379587"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379587\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4204"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379587"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379587"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379587"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}