{"id":379600,"date":"2013-02-20T03:48:00","date_gmt":"2013-02-20T03:48:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/02\/20\/cant-versus-dont-want-to\/"},"modified":"2013-02-20T03:48:00","modified_gmt":"2013-02-20T03:48:00","slug":"cant-versus-dont-want-to","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2013\/02\/20\/cant-versus-dont-want-to\/","title":{"rendered":"Can’t versus Don’t Want To"},"content":{"rendered":"
<\/p>\n
Last fall I discovered this amazing little app.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

C25K<\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Couch to a 5k.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I started the program with great gusto.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But this underlying attitude ensured a quick demise. \u201cI\u2019m not a runner.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Can\u2019t Never Could<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And then a friend asked me if I wanted to try and lose weight with her. \u201cYou\u2019re the only one I can do it with,\u201d she pleaded.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Two years ago I helped her sister with the swimming phase of a triathlon, and we\u2019ve been talking about trying a run of our own ever since.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Talking<\/i> being the operative word.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

My friend\u2019s weight loss desire, coupled with my own need to shed more than a few pounds and become more fit nudged me to try again.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Though I haven\u2019t been following the three-times-per-week routine, and we took two weeks off during the Christmas holidays, I have been adhering to each new task.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When the assignment jumped from a longest jog of eight minutes to a non-stop twenty-minute run, \u201cI can\u2019t do that\u201d is what I thought.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

How many times have you heard this expression, used it yourself, even?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t never could,\u201d the moxie side of me chided.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I completed that workout by stopping for two ten-second intervals.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Honestly, I recognize those pauses had nothing to do with my physical ability and everything to do with my mental state.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Nonetheless, I couldn\u2019t have been happier or more inspired to take on the next challenge.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Coinciding with my return to this exercise regimen was the <\/span>reemergence of my in-laws controlling and thoughtless ways<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Which always leads to bickering or fighting between Warren and me.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But this time I felt the full weight of the fact that they aren\u2019t going to change.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That I\u2019ll never be accepted, let alone treated, as a bona fide part f the family.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And for the first time I can recall I truly began to doubt that Warren and I could overcome the strife.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And fear resonated in the deepest part of my soul.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Fear that Warren just isn\u2019t capable of seeing his family\u2019s behavior for what it is, and thus make a lifelong change that would prevent them from continuing to come between us.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And fear that if they continued to undermine him at the root of his being, he\u2019d end up having another affair.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Or worse. If there is such a thing.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t do this anymore!\u201d I shouted till I was hoarse.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

During one such screaming match, that little phrase echoed.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cCan\u2019t never could.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And a new clarity took over.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cActually, I\u2019m sure I can, because I\u2019ve been doing it\u2014living<\/i> it\u2014for twenty-some years,\u201d I said with less projection and more resolve in my voice.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI. Don\u2019t. Want. To.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Our language and actions reflect our innermost feelings<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Two weeks before I had this epiphany, I realized a subtle, yet powerful change in the way I\u2019d been acting since Warren\u2019s last affair.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Without even realizing I was doing so, <\/span>I\u2019d been acting like a damsel in distress<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Practically powerless.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Unable to make even the simplest decisions without consulting my spouse.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

The result was a plethora of resentment I\u2019d been mistaking for anger.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And a great deal of inner conflict and confusion about who I was and what I wanted.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Once I identified the behavior, I began unraveling those traits that had been virtually holding me hostage.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Additionally, I began to notice other emotions and subconscious thoughts with regard to Warren\u2019s behaviors.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

When Warren\u2019s family acts inappropriately, somehow he ends up being upset with me, instead of them. \u201cWhy do I feel like you\u2019re angry with me when you should be mad at them?\u201d I\u2019ve lamented more times than I can count.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But the exasperation has been a fleeting feeling until I realized the depth of the emotional fallout of the dysfunction we\u2019ve been dealing with for so many years.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Awareness is infectious and success breeds success.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/b><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

This past Saturday, my exercise assignment was to jog twenty-five minutes without stopping.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I replaced my initial \u201cI can\u2019t do this\u201d thought, with \u201cHow can I do this?<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

With some calculated and careful planning, I not only accomplished this physical feat, I gave a little Rocky-style jump for joy when the end timer chimed.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And here\u2019s the beauty of the contagious energy.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Over the past two days, there was another situation with Warren\u2019s family. I\u2019ll spare you the details.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

But before it could affect Warren and me, he came to a stark realization of his own.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cMy initial feeling was, We wouldn\u2019t be in this situation if you hadn\u2019t called and invited Mom to dinner for her birthday<\/i>,\u201d he confided in me.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cAnd then it dawned on me that you didn\u2019t do anything wrong. You took the initiative to do something nice for Mom. My sister\u2019s nose is out of joint because she\u2019s not the center of attention.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI guess I\u2019ve always shifted the conflict to you because I\u2019m more comfortable arguing with you,\u201d he said.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

That willingness to explore and face the hard truths and subliminal programming is one of the biggest reasons I chose to stay married to him after his affairs.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

I\u2019ve had a sense all along that he didn\u2019t want to live attached to his parent\u2019s apron strings, that he wanted something different for himself.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Maybe he, too, simply hadn\u2019t reached the point of being able to acknowledge the difference between can\u2019t<\/i>and don\u2019t want to<\/i>\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

And so we march on, learning and growing\u2026together\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Later this week I\u2019ll tackle the next phase of my 5k training. A twenty-five minute jog.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

How about you? Can you identify a situation where can\u2019t has held you back or suppressed your true desire? Are you cognizant of the differences between those two feelings?<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/a> <\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

Last fall I discovered this amazing little app. C25K. Couch to a 5k. I started the program with great gusto. But this underlying attitude ensured a quick demise. \u201cI\u2019m not a runner.\u201d Can\u2019t Never Could And then a friend asked me if I wanted to try and lose weight with her. \u201cYou\u2019re the only one […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[701,702,703,704,705,686,706,707,56,272,223,547,69,227,167],"class_list":["post-379600","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-5k-training","tag-attitude","tag-c25k","tag-cant-never-could","tag-emotional-growth","tag-emotional-health","tag-exercise-apps","tag-in-laws","tag-marriage","tag-optimism","tag-relationships","tag-resentment","tag-the-five-facets","tag-unhealthy-relationships","tag-womens-issues"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379600","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379600"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379600\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379600"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379600"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379600"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}