{"id":379650,"date":"2012-09-18T17:36:00","date_gmt":"2012-09-18T17:36:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/09\/18\/the-rearview-mirror\/"},"modified":"2012-09-18T17:36:00","modified_gmt":"2012-09-18T17:36:00","slug":"the-rearview-mirror","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/09\/18\/the-rearview-mirror\/","title":{"rendered":"The Rearview Mirror"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n\n\n\n\n
<\/a><\/td>\n<\/tr>\n
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View from My Rearview Mirror<\/span><\/div>\n<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got to quit looking in the rearview mirror.”<\/span>
<\/span>
<\/span>Last June, when I was feeling overwhelmed<\/span><\/a> by the Hamster-Wheel month and a little depression, I had my first appointment with The Therapist.<\/o:p><\/span><\/p>\n

I told her I needed to work on figuring out the cause of the ongoing anger and conflict I seemed to have regarding my husband\u2019s affair nearly six years prior.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I explained to her what I\u2019d already been doing and that I needed some outside help in resolving the lingering strife.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I was disappointed when she strongly encouraged me (at the beginning, middle, and end of the hour) to consider couple’s counseling versus individual therapy, and that, No<\/i>, she couldn\u2019t do both.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I let fear guide my decision<\/span><\/a>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Fear that my logic wasn\u2019t sound. This woman was, after all, the expert.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Who was I to challenge her thoughts about what was best for my healing?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

So Warren came with me to the next appointment. Six weeks later. The first opening The Therapist had.<\/span><\/div>\n\n\n\n
<\/td>\n<\/tr>\n<\/tbody>\n<\/table>\n

Thankfully, the daily dose of the little white pill<\/span><\/a> I\u2019d begun taking was doing its job at curbing the blues.<\/o:p><\/span><\/w:wrap><\/p>\n

Forty-one days is a long time to wait when you have a burning desire to work on what ails you.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

And sixty minutes is a millennium when you are sitting with someone you feel is unsympathetic.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got to quit looking in the rearview mirror,\u201d she said at least a half dozen times.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have a husband who loves you\u2026who has done what he can to alleviate your fears\u2026who is remorseful for his actions\u2026\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Now. I do know that Warren loves me, without doubt. She knew this.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I\u2019d also told her\u2014in our first appointment\u2014the steps he had been taking to reestablish trust.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

The first two of her comments above had been substantiated by both Warren and me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

The remorse? Well, I\u2019m not sure where she pulled that from, because guilt was not discussed with her at any point.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Not to say Warren didn\u2019t admit regrets in the aftermath of his second sordid dalliance, because he did.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019ve got to quit looking in the rearview mirror.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Tears streamed down my face as I tried to convey to The Therapist that I knew this; that\u2019s why I had come to her for help in the first place.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

She asked if we spent any time alone together, and challenged us to a date night.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Classic couples counseling.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

And just like that, our hour was up.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cLet\u2019s see what Warren comes up with,\u201d she said as she opened the door to show us the way out.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I doubted she would remember our conversations after a seven week lapse, the next available opening.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I was frustrated by her actions, words, and by the long delays before we could get in to see her again.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

But I was willing to give it a whirl.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

I had nothing to lose and everything to gain.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Warren and I went out on a date.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

It was okay. Somehow being instructed to set a romantic rendezvous undermines the spontaneity of it all; doing something out of obligation makes crispy the soft edges of an engagement that would otherwise stem from a place of desire.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

We weren\u2019t with The Therapist long enough for her to discover that we do take advantage of every possible moment for couple-time.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

It might be a trip to the grocery store and dinner at Sam\u2019s Club, or a round or two in the hot tub, but we do take time to be together, just the two of us.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Dedicated participants that we are, however, we put our trust in her, scheduled alone time, and then patiently waited for our next appointment. Forty-one days out.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Only to have it canceled five days before our appointment.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

\u201cYou have to quit looking in the rear view mirror.\u201d<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

When I acknowledged my fear of not being in control, of having no say, whatsoever, whether or not Warren has another affair, I asked myself this question: Can I accept that I have no power over his choices?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Yes<\/span><\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

The answer came deep from within me, from the area of my angry liver<\/span><\/a>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

To date I haven\u2019t made a new appointment with The Therapist, though I have been on a waiting list with one of her colleagues.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

In the meantime, maybe I should pour over some of my old journals, and revisit all of the wisdom I gained during my time with Hank, my counselor from years ago.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

That mirror might well be one worth looking into\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

Take another look at the photo I took for this piece.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

What do you see?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

In order to move forward, mustn\u2019t we be cognizant of where we\u2019ve come from?<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

If we bury what\u2019s in the rearview mirror without reconciling the conflict it generated, then we cannot be at peace with it.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

In the absence of that harmony, the discord will likely return during a future growing pain.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

With a vengeance.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

In that regard, I disagree with The Therapist.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

We\u2019ve all been there, looking at what\u2019s behind us…<\/span><\/p>\n

What does the expression mean to you?<\/span><\/span>
<\/span> <\/span>
<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

What are your thoughts about, and experiences with, looking in the rearview mirror<\/i><\/b><\/span>?<\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/span>
Soon…<\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

View from My Rearview Mirror \u201cYou\u2019ve got to quit looking in the rearview mirror.”Last June, when I was feeling overwhelmed by the Hamster-Wheel month and a little depression, I had my first appointment with The Therapist. I told her I needed to work on figuring out the cause of the ongoing anger and conflict I […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4343,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[49,377,14,80,19,535,54,536,537,538,539],"class_list":["post-379650","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-adultery","tag-counseling","tag-healing","tag-infidelity","tag-inspiration","tag-looking-in-the-rearview-mirror","tag-loss-and-healing","tag-mental-health","tag-rearview-mirror","tag-therapy","tag-what-do-you-think"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2012\/09\/Rearview-Mirror.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379650","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379650"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379650\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4343"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379650"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379650"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379650"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}