{"id":379670,"date":"2012-07-29T00:32:00","date_gmt":"2012-07-29T00:32:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/07\/29\/facing-my-fears-pema-chodron-style\/"},"modified":"2012-07-29T00:32:00","modified_gmt":"2012-07-29T00:32:00","slug":"facing-my-fears-pema-chodron-style","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/07\/29\/facing-my-fears-pema-chodron-style\/","title":{"rendered":"Facing My Fears, Pema Chodron Style"},"content":{"rendered":"
\u201cYou focus on another person\u2019s suffering and breathe it in,\u201d a friend of mine told me about a Tonglen <\/i>meditation group she recently participated in, \u201cand then you breathe out compassion.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

Her group\u2019s attention had been directed to the victims, families, and friends of those affected by the recent Aurora, Colorado shooting rampage.<\/span><\/p>\n

I couldn\u2019t comprehend this model from the purpose as she described it. \u201cMaybe by focusing on other\u2019s pain, we are able to fully realize that we aren\u2019t alone in our grief,\u201d I reasoned.<\/span><\/p>\n

I have thought about the contradictory nature of this practice, over the past few days, and decided to delve into the philosophy a bit more. <\/span><\/p>\n

Turns out my logic was halfway there.<\/span><\/p>\n

Pema Chodron wrote the following about the meditation in her description The Practice of Tonglen<\/span><\/a><\/i>:<\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

In order to have compassion for others, we have to have compassion for ourselves.<\/p>\n

In particular, to care about other people who are fearful, angry, jealous, overpowered by addictions of all kinds, arrogant, proud, miserly, selfish, mean \u2014you name it\u2014 to have compassion and to care for these people, means not to run from the pain of finding these things in ourselves\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

The tonglen practice is a method for connecting with suffering \u2014ours and that which is all around us\u2014 everywhere we go. It is a method for overcoming fear of suffering and for dissolving the tightness of our heart. Primarily it is a method for awakening the compassion that is inherent in all of us, no matter how cruel or cold we might seem to be.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n

Pema Chodron, highly regarded in the field of peace and meditation, has devoted most of her life to the study and practice of Tibetan Buddhism, and to helping people be more compassionate. Compassionate with themselves and with others.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It seems, then, that the methodology is designed to put us in touch with our fear, those fears from which we hide or flee, those trepidations that are our deepest insecurities, and just possibly the faults we cannot face.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Just recently, I realized that it is quite possible the overwhelming anger I feel toward my husband isn\u2019t about him or his affair. At all.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

The seething inside of my organs is about me.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My failures. My insecurities.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My fear that I\u2019m not good enough.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Might never be good enough.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My frustration that I can\u2019t figure out how to resolve my conflict.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s been nearly FOUR (five, six) years, Annah, you should be over this by now<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

My anxieties that I keep choosing the same ill-directed behaviors over and over again.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eating too much when I\u2019m bored.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eating too much when I\u2019m stressed.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Eating myself into ignorance and disregard for my health. My life.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s about the angst inside of me that says You\u2019re not in control, Annah. You can\u2019t control if he\u2019ll have another affair or not<\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

You can\u2019t control whether anyone else will do or say something without regard to your feelings, your dignity, or your sanity<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Ah, but it\u2019s so much easier to pretend, isn\u2019t it?<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

So much easier to pretend that someone else is to blame for our discomfort.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

It\u2019s a fear that I\u2019ll make the wrong choice<\/span><\/i>\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

A fear that I\u2019ll ultimately fail<\/span><\/i>\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

Hmmmm\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

A quick Google search turned up these quotes about failure:<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cI have not failed. I’ve just found 10,000 ways that won’t work.\u201d ~ Thomas A. Edison<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThere is only one thing that makes a dream impossible to achieve: the fear of failure.\u201d ~ Paulo Coelho<\/span><\/p>\n

And my favorite, \u201cSuccess is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.\u201d ~Winston Churchill<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cYou can\u2019t keep looking in the rearview mirror,\u201d the therapist Warren and I recently saw said to me.<\/span><\/p>\n

During my first appointment with her, I had expressed that I hadn\u2019t been able to unlock the final pieces of my conflict over Warren\u2019s last affair, and that I felt I needed help in uncovering what was holding me back.<\/span><\/p>\n

I wasn\u2019t thrilled when she indicated she felt we should approach it from couple\u2019s therapy, because I knew that if I couldn\u2019t resolve my own personal angst, then marriage counseling wouldn\u2019t be productive.<\/span><\/p>\n

Again, I let fear drive my decision.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fear that if I refused couple\u2019s counseling I\u2019d be doing a disservice to my marriage.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fear that I was being self-centered by wanting to focus on me.<\/span><\/p>\n

Fear that my logic was somehow misguided\u2026<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s why I\u2019m here,\u201d I said to the therapist, with tears streaming down my face. \u201cThat\u2019s why I chose to see someone, to help me figure out why I can\u2019t seem to let this go.\u201d<\/span><\/p>\n

As I hopelessly searched the room for tissues, I felt anger toward her rising in my belly.<\/span><\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t you listen to me?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Why did you practically insist that marriage counseling was the way to settle my conflicts?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Are you incompetent?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

What kind of therapist doesn\u2019t have tissues in her office?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

But these are the real questions, the ones I deflected away from my heart:<\/span><\/p>\n

Why don\u2019t you listen to yourself?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Why didn\u2019t you insist that you wanted to see her alone?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Are you stupid for staying with a man who has cheated on you twice?<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Why are you still crying over this?<\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

And these are the answers to those burning questions:<\/span><\/p>\n

Because I\u2019m confused and I\u2019m not sure I can trust my instincts anymore.<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Because I didn\u2019t trust that I knew better than her; she\u2019s the expert after all.<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

No. I am not stupid. (And now I smile, because, honestly, that\u2019s an answer without hesitation or doubt.)<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Because I am.<\/span><\/span><\/i><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

\u201cYou focus on another person\u2019s suffering and breathe it in,\u201d a friend of mine told me about a Tonglen meditation group she recently participated in, \u201cand then you breathe out compassion.\u201d Her group\u2019s attention had been directed to the victims, families, and friends of those affected by the recent Aurora, Colorado shooting rampage. I couldn\u2019t […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[411,412,14,80,54,413,414,415,236,416,237,417],"class_list":["post-379670","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-anger","tag-fear-of-failure","tag-healing","tag-infidelity","tag-loss-and-healing","tag-meditation-techniques","tag-overcoming-insecurities","tag-pema-chodron","tag-the-indie-chicks","tag-tonglen-meditation","tag-when-life-gives-you-lemons","tag-winston-churchill"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379670","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379670"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379670\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379670"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379670"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379670"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}

Two years ago I wrote about how <\/span>our fear tends to present itself in the form of anger<\/span><\/a>, and shortly thereafter I realized that <\/span>my anger seemed to have taken up residence in my liver<\/span><\/a>.<\/span><\/span><\/span><\/p>\n