{"id":379685,"date":"2012-05-03T04:59:00","date_gmt":"2012-05-03T04:59:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/05\/03\/i-dont-want-to-be-branded-by-my-husbands-affair-or-limited-by-the-past\/"},"modified":"2012-05-03T04:59:00","modified_gmt":"2012-05-03T04:59:00","slug":"i-dont-want-to-be-branded-by-my-husbands-affair-or-limited-by-the-past","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2012\/05\/03\/i-dont-want-to-be-branded-by-my-husbands-affair-or-limited-by-the-past\/","title":{"rendered":"I Don\u2019t Want to be Branded by My Husband\u2019s Affair, or Limited by the Past"},"content":{"rendered":"
In January, I discovered I\u2019d been <\/span>living in the past<\/span><\/a>.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n
And recently I uncovered yet another layer to this existence.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>My past, <\/i>so to speak, the timeline upon which I base my present life, seems to begin and end five-and-a-half years ago.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

September 1, 2006.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>The day I stumbled upon my husband\u2019s second affair.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

And frankly, I am a bit dumbfounded by this realization.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I grew up in a metropolitan city of progressive thinkers; a body of people largely moving forward.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

I was a teen who secretly desired to be a part of the \u201cpopular crowd,\u201d yet was repulsed by the childishness of the same.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I was always asking questions, never one to simply follow the masses. I guess those traits haven\u2019t changed, given my recent experience of <\/span>standing up for what I believe in<\/span><\/a>.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

A na\u00efve, starry-eyed, in-love, twenty-two-year-old, I followed my newly-acquired fianc\u00e9 halfway across the country. Sometime I\u2019ll have to share that story with you, but suffice it to say that two months later I found myself alone on the street with my two dogs.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I loved my new job and refused to tuck my tail between my legs and run home to Mommy and Daddy simply because my situation hadn\u2019t gone according to plan.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

\u201cWhere are you from,\u201d people would inquire after hearing me speak; my accent a dead give-away that I wasn\u2019t from around here.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>For years, I faced questions like \u201cWhy the hell<\/i>you would move here<\/i>?\u201d and \u201cWhy the hell<\/i> would you move to a place like this?\u201d <\/i>Even now, with grown children of my own, I still hear such questions when I tell people I was born and raised elsewhere.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

I found it hard to believe people could talk with such disdain about this picturesque place, one so rich in history and culture, one that was once so vibrant, so full of passion and energy.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>As the pages of calendar years flipped by, I found one other resounding phrase that has echoed through my new community for generations.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

The Flood of \u201872<\/i>.<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>Hurricane Agnes<\/span><\/a>\u2019<\/span> path of death and destruction in the U.S. began in Florida, with the greatest devastations occurring in the northeast regions of Pennsylvania, New Jersey, and New York. She was deemed the most costly hurricane on record, and as such, her name was retired less than a year after she made landfall.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Future hurricanes like Hugo (89), Andrew (92) Katrina (05), and Irene (11), would eventually surpass Agnes in terms of damages and loss of life. And while some cities would rise above the catastrophe to become even stronger, others would become paralyzed, perpetually bound by the event.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>\u201c\u2026since my husband\u2019s last affair,\u201d I recently heard myself saying, and that\u2019s when it hit me like a flying house in a hurricane: I haven\u2019t moved on as far as I thought I had.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Though I thought I\u2019d put it into perspective, it appears I haven\u2019t resolved all of my conflict.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>Despite two other significant events that took place around that time\u2014a hysterectomy, and quitting smoking after twenty-six-and-a-half years\u2014I associate, first, my husband\u2019s affair when referencing that time in my life.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Almost two years ago, I shared my views that <\/span>yelling is an indication of fear<\/span><\/a>. Since I rarely yell any more, I can reason that I am at least making progress\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I also recognize I am in a bit of a tricky situation, since I write about loss and healing. <\/span>My experiences are what lend credibility to what I share, so the references are necessary from time to time. Even though, I can\u2019t deny the obvious.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

I knew that the loss of my marriage as I had envisioned it was something I would have to work through, and that it might take longer than the first time around. But now I see that I still have an unhealthy attachment to that time in my life.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>Elisabeth-Kubler Ross\u2019<\/span><\/a> Five Stages of Grief <\/i>is attributed to death and dying, but I believe we experience this random, haphazard sequence of effects after any form of loss. I comprehend how complex the grief process is, how the different issues we face intertwine, how they shift and take on different images as they disappear and then reappear in our lives.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

These feelings and thoughts I am having are all a part of that grieving process. Recognizing the effects is an important part of the healing process.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I think it is important to recognize that healing doesn\u2019t mean we forget, it doesn\u2019t mean that the event no longer exists. And it doesn\u2019t mean that we are unaffected by the occurrence that brought about our sadness.<\/span><\/p>\n

Just as physical wounds often leave visible scars, so do emotional traumas. But when we heal emotionally, the event no longer holds us back, no longer restricts us or causes us chronic pain.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Clearly, there remains a piece of grief I still need to reconcile.<\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>I distinctly remember saying, in the early days after my son\u2019s death, \u201cI don\u2019t want to mourn him forever.\u201d I had no idea what that meant, nor how I was going to achieve that goal, but one day at a time, I managed.<\/span><\/p>\n

It wasn\u2019t until I reached the ultimate place of healing\u2014reconciliation of all of my conflicts\u2014that I could identity where I had ultimately wanted to end up: I wanted to be able to celebrate my son\u2019s life.<\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Within days of discovering my husband\u2019s second affair, I wrote this: <\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>\u201cThis challenge is a \u201cfor worse.\u201d And this I know: My marriage hasn\u2019t been an illusion. This situation is a tornado in my life. The winds will die down, the dust will settle, and we will begin to rebuild a new life. A <\/span><\/i>differentlife.\u201d<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Sometimes like the hurricanes mentioned above, the initial turmoil will subside, only to regain momentum. But eventually, the currents will die out for good. Rebuilding is a painstaking and often lengthy process, and it first begs questions like How? What? When?<\/o:p><\/i><\/span><\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span>And though I haven\u2019t yet reached the point of knowing, unequivocally, what I do want, I know what I don\u2019t want. I don\u2019t want my legacy, my life to be forever branded, nor limited by The Affair of 2006<\/i>.<\/o:p><\/span><\/span><\/span>
<\/span><\/p>\n

Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

In January, I discovered I\u2019d been living in the past. And recently I uncovered yet another layer to this existence. My past, so to speak, the timeline upon which I base my present life, seems to begin and end five-and-a-half years ago. September 1, 2006. The day I stumbled upon my husband\u2019s second affair. And […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":0,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[49,171,61,177,139,113,251,80,19,261,54,258,69,141],"class_list":["post-379685","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-adultery","tag-chlid-loss","tag-death","tag-divorce","tag-elisabeth-kubler-ross","tag-family","tag-high-school","tag-infidelity","tag-inspiration","tag-leadership","tag-loss-and-healing","tag-standing-up-for-your-beliefs","tag-the-five-facets","tag-the-five-stages-of-grief"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379685","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379685"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379685\/revisions"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379685"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379685"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379685"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}