{"id":379691,"date":"2011-12-30T23:19:00","date_gmt":"2011-12-30T23:19:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2011\/12\/30\/on-failure-fat-and-hope\/"},"modified":"2011-12-30T23:19:00","modified_gmt":"2011-12-30T23:19:00","slug":"on-failure-fat-and-hope","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/2011\/12\/30\/on-failure-fat-and-hope\/","title":{"rendered":"On Failure, Fat, and Hope"},"content":{"rendered":"
\n
<\/a><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/p>\n

<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n
I recently saw a commercial for the upcoming Biggest Loser<\/i> series. A quick blip of a girl with a weightlifting bar overheard flashed on the screen and I heard her say, \u201cI used to be an Olympic Weightlifter.\u201d<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I used to be a swimmer and a diver and an equestrian<\/span><\/i>, I thought.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And, as a teenager, some seventy-five pounds lighter than I am now, I used to think I was fat. Downright Angus-sized fat because most of my frail-boned high school peers were freaking out that they were one-hundred pounds. And I was anything but.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
As an adult\u2014a largely overweight female\u2014I now realize that I had no idea what overweight was, and sorely wish I\u2019d have appreciated my body during those adolescent years.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But I didn\u2019t. I abused it like many a teenager, eating all of the wrong foods\u2026 How many ways can you say pizza? And grab-and-go processed foods and snacks\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I abused it even more when I turned to bulimia as a way to control my weight.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Little did I know that my weight fears had nothing to do with a number.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Little did I know the lifelong havoc I was wreaking on my precious self.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When I thought about the young female on the commercial, it once again dawned on me that I\u2019m not heavy enough to be accepted onto the reality show.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019m not overweight enough to qualify for gastric by-pass surgery, if I wanted to consider it.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Never an easy answer for me.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Not that participating in the TV series to lose weight is easy<\/i>, but the attendees do have people motivating them, they are in a controlled environment, one that doesn\u2019t include bowls of candy bars, and chips and breads and cookies, and loads of temptations.<\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
When they gather with their cast mates, they are all regulated by the same set of circumstances and inspired by the same infectious energy and goals.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Maybe. Maybe their environment isn\u2019t as sterile and regimented as I imagine.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Regardless, this is one more excuse in the line of many, one more justification for the choices I do and don\u2019t make.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I carry my weight well and certainly don\u2019t look like I am fifty-plus pounds overweight.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s not that bad \u2018cause these American super-sized size fourteen jeans keep creeping down.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I don\u2019t have time to exercise.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I sit at a desk all day.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s Thanksgiving.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s Christmas.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s my birthday. (It really is!)<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s New Year\u2019s.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s summer.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s tax season.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s cold outside.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s my metabolism.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
It\u2019s the middle-aged spread\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And my all-time favorite? Geneen Roth<\/i> said not to worry about what I am eating when I first get started.<\/i>Honestly, I know<\/i> that\u2019s what it said, but I can\u2019t provide the page number or the actual quote right now because I can\u2019t find the book.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Maybe I ate the evidence in a fit of misguided hunger pains.<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
For those who missed the tongue-in-cheek humor above: Geneen\u2019s Women Food and God<\/i>is an invaluable resource for those seeking inspiration, and I twisted her words to suit my own warped rationale, as we mortals tend to do\u2026<\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I just so happened to be standing at the pantry and shoving a fistful of food into my mouth when I realized my skewed logic. And I laughed out loud, a deep and devious chuckle\u2026<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I, like so many others, am in limbo fat-land, wondering how to lose the weight, how to establish new habits, and questioning how I let myself come to this roundness.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Again<\/span><\/i>.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Eighteen months ago I wrote <\/span>this post<\/span><\/span><\/a> about my previous successful battle over the bulge.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I\u2019ve been trying to replicate that feat for years now, and just can\u2019t seem to find the right combination that works for me now.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And that has been frustrating\u2014to say the least\u2014that I can\u2019t simply duplicate what I did before and experience the same positive results.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Why can’t I?<\/span><\/i> You ask.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Trust me, I\u2019ve asked myself the same question repeatedly and what I\u2019ve come to realize is that I am not achieving the same success using the same strategies because I am not in the same place I was six years ago.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Why, even the Pinocchio crease in my jaw line has moved from the left side to the right. The crease’s impact on me this time? Zilch!<\/span><\/em><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Okay. Okay. Embarrassment. Mild disgust mixed with denial… This time my facial fault hasn’t caused a tremor of movement from me; I simply turn the other cheek to the mirror.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Seriously, though, we are constantly changing; our thoughts, feelings, emotions, physical and social beings evolve as we age, meet new people, and are faced with different obstacles and rewards.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Failure was a part of who I am for much longer than success was.<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
That is the sad realization that came to mind after I saw the beautiful, blonde-haired, overweight weightlifter on the television screen.<\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I lived for too many years feeling like a failure, feeling like I didn\u2019t live up to my parent\u2019s expectations, feeling like I was never quite good enough.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Hogwash!<\/o:p><\/span><\/i><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I finally began to realize the absurdity of this self-loathing in my late thirties.<\/span><\/o:p><\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
But old habits die hard, and unfortunately, the positive hadn\u2019t been a part of me long enough to withstand the barrage of old emotions that bubbled to the surface after my husband\u2019s last affair.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Not to put the blame on him. It\u2019s just that the self-worth hadn\u2019t become rote, and I experienced a relapse.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I choose to believe that\u2019s all this is: An unspecified period of time where I have succumbed to previous patterns of behavior that don\u2019t suit me well.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
And, to use a clich\u00e9, each time you fall off the horse, you have to get right back on.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Hope requires the same sort of perseverance, and like the photo in the beginning of this post, is a trait ensconced in light and shadows.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
I might be a bit emotionally battered, and might just be plump enough for a deep fryer, but I have hope in my heart that I will eventually strike upon the combination of elements that will lead to the success I desire.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Now I all I need is a dose of Jillian Michaels attitude to fire me up!<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
In the meantime, a good friend who wants to shed a few pounds, as well, has convinced me to watch the weekly series with her as we hold our own Biggest Loser <\/i>event.<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span><\/div>\n
Cheers to hope and a nice long walk with the dog!<\/span><\/div>\n
<\/span>Soon\u2026<\/span><\/span><\/div>\n

<\/span><\/p>\n

<\/div>\n<\/div>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

I recently saw a commercial for the upcoming Biggest Loser series. A quick blip of a girl with a weightlifting bar overheard flashed on the screen and I heard her say, \u201cI used to be an Olympic Weightlifter.\u201d I used to be a swimmer and a diver and an equestrian, I thought. And, as a […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":4370,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"closed","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_et_pb_use_builder":"","_et_pb_old_content":"","_et_gb_content_width":"","_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[1],"tags":[282,283,284,110,285,19,264,286,287,69,281,152,112],"class_list":["post-379691","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-uncategorized","tag-excuses","tag-failure","tag-fear","tag-geneen-roth","tag-hope","tag-inspiration","tag-perseverance","tag-success","tag-the-biggest-loser","tag-the-five-facets","tag-weight-gain","tag-weight-loss","tag-women-food-and-god"],"jetpack_featured_media_url":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/wp-content\/uploads\/2011\/12\/2540Pic-Five-Facets-Hope.jpg","jetpack_sharing_enabled":true,"_links":{"self":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379691","targetHints":{"allow":["GET"]}}],"collection":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts"}],"about":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/types\/post"}],"author":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/users\/1"}],"replies":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/comments?post=379691"}],"version-history":[{"count":0,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/posts\/379691\/revisions"}],"wp:featuredmedia":[{"embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media\/4370"}],"wp:attachment":[{"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/media?parent=379691"}],"wp:term":[{"taxonomy":"category","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/categories?post=379691"},{"taxonomy":"post_tag","embeddable":true,"href":"https:\/\/staging.annahelizabeth.com\/index.php\/wp-json\/wp\/v2\/tags?post=379691"}],"curies":[{"name":"wp","href":"https:\/\/api.w.org\/{rel}","templated":true}]}}